Loss Coping

[duke4ever19]

It's weird, but I got over this loss within a couple hours.

I watched every game this season and was anxious before most of them. I was definitely emotionally invested in this team, but somehow it didn't much bother me that they lost. Just a blip on the radar.

It's not always been like that. Just last year, it took me a good week to get over the loss to South Carolina. Perhaps it was because the South Carolina loss was unexpected (at least to me), while I knew the Kansas game could go either way?

[Bluedog]

I'll be honest, I intentionally avoided sports sites and this board since the game ended so as to not even remind myself. I finally have ventured back...I have tried to spend more time with family and other activities to keep my mind busy. This loss has seriously made me unhappy/uneasy the past couple days and realize how ridiculous that sounds from a fan and how I shouldn't let Duke basketball control my state of being. I'm almost re-assessing my fandom for mental health and trying to not be too invested in things. I'll say that I think I've taken this loss a lot harder than most losses because of HOW it happened. If we got blown out (which we did last year, in 2011, etc.), I don't take it nearly as badly because we were simply outplayed and didn't deserve to win. In this game, however, we had a shot that was in and out twice (literal centimeters away) at the end of regulation. Should have gone down. We're up three with the ball with 1:15 to go, should be a victory...We have the ball tied game taking the last shot, should be a victory...we're up 1 in OT with what should be a charge call and it goes the other way and Carter fouls out...If we had been down 3 with 1:15 to go, and they eek'ed out a win, wouldn't have been nearly as painful. Sports can be cruel. I can't imagine how hard the players are taking it.

[Billy Dat]

My usual consolation is to immediately force myself to watch the next NCAA game because the tournament sucks me back in every time. Most of my sadness comes from not having a game, in which I am seriously emotionally invested, to watch. Those of us haunting these forums are seriously into this team. We only get ~40 days out of 365 to watch them. It's tough to say goodbye to that every Spring.

I do recall during the final 5 minutes of regulation on Sunday, I was in my customary big game, winning time position, which is standing 5 feet in front of my television. My heart was beating fast and heavy in my chest, I was aware that my breathing needed to be modulated to help me calm down, and the words of George C. Scott's General Patton were repeating in my head, "I love it. God help me I do love it so."

[devil84]

For me, as I've gotten older, the losses are easier to take. As a manager on Coach K's first four teams, those first four years provided Coach K with 20% of his career losses at Duke. After I graduated and Duke became a powerhouse, I had to keep reminding myself that we could go three or more years without losing as many games as we lost in just one season back then. Be happy for the wins. But the losses still stung.

...

There's more to life than basketball. Coach would be the first to tell you that. It's ok to be down, even angry, after a loss and it's barely been 24 hours. Time heals wounds, but why does it move so slowly when it hurts? It's harder for those of us in the Triangle, with Tar Heel fans and Duke-haters so prevalent. Turn your attention to something else that makes you happy. Lose yourself in something wonderful: a good book, gardening, fitness endeavors, find a project to do with your family, volunteer for a worthy cause, and probably stop clicking on all those "DUKE LOST!!!!!" articles at every media outlet. Can't think of anything? See if there's something on the off-topic board that interests you (though careful with that Ymm...Beer thread!) if you want to still chat with the same board members, or start a thread with your passion.

We had an enjoyable journey this year with this young Duke team. It ended a bit too early for our taste. There's nothing we can do to change it, but we can savor the memories of watching this incredible bunch of young men. Remember the good stuff, and find that passion you've put aside to watch basketball games. I highly recommend holding an week old infant, particularly a first grandbaby, though I realize that newborn grandbabies aren't available to everyone at the end of a devastating loss. My grandson puts it all into perspective. There's something out there for everyone that will put it into perspective!

I forgot to credit a particular person for some of the ideas. Rewind back to the spring of '81. It was the end of my freshman year. I was a team manager for not only the men's varsity team, but also the men's junior varsity team. The basketball season had just ended with a disappointing 11-17 record. I was gathering my lunch in the Pits and ran into Jim Suddath, who just finished his senior season. I lamented the end of the season and wondered what I was going to do with my time. I mean, for nearly my entire college career, I got up early in the morning on East Campus, got myself to the gym for JV practice, went to class on both campuses, got back to the gym in the afternoon for varsity practice, scavenged dinner at the CI or DU since all the dining halls were closed, then studied (double major: history and design -- lots of reading and research in the library), and still had a social life. I was about to get a whole lot of free time, but I really enjoyed being a basketball manager! I had been a Duke basketball fan for years prior to coming to campus, and my dream that came true was ending for the season!

Well, Suds took my comment differently. He said something along the lines of, "That's sad. I hope you have more interests than just basketball. There's so much more to life! I'm looking forward to <a list of things that I've since lost to time>. Look at how beautiful it is outside! We can be outside now instead of in the gym!" Hmmm...I hadn't thought of it like that. He's right -- there's far more to life than basketball.

It took me a while to fully embrace that idea. Sure, we can be sad (even depressed) that the season didn't pan out like we wanted. I'm sure Suds' senior year wasn't at all what he expected, with a new coach, new defense, and ending with an 11-17 record. But he was able to move on and fill in the void with the things we put on hold, despite being extremely invested in the season. Too bad it took me, uh, let's not discuss how many years until I really figured it out. Suds is a really smart guy. I need to give him a lot of credit. Thank you, Jim!

[jv001]

I forgot to credit a particular person for some of the ideas. Rewind back to the spring of '81. It was the end of my freshman year. I was a team manager for not only the men's varsity team, but also the men's junior varsity team. The basketball season had just ended with a disappointing 11-17 record. I was gathering my lunch in the Pits and ran into Jim Suddath, who just finished his senior season. I lamented the end of the season and wondered what I was going to do with my time. I mean, for nearly my entire college career, I got up early in the morning on East Campus, got myself to the gym for JV practice, went to class on both campuses, got back to the gym in the afternoon for varsity practice, scavenged dinner at the CI or DU since all the dining halls were closed, then studied (double major: history and design -- lots of reading and research in the library), and still had a social life. I was about to get a whole lot of free time, but I really enjoyed being a basketball manager! I had been a Duke basketball fan for years prior to coming to campus, and my dream that came true was ending for the season!

Well, Suds took my comment differently. He said something along the lines of, "That's sad. I hope you have more interests than just basketball. There's so much more to life! I'm looking forward to <a list of things that I've since lost to time>. Look at how beautiful it is outside! We can be outside now instead of in the gym!" Hmmm...I hadn't thought of it like that. He's right -- there's far more to life than basketball.

It took me a while to fully embrace that idea. Sure, we can be sad (even depressed) that the season didn't pan out like we wanted. I'm sure Suds' senior year wasn't at all what he expected, with a new coach, new defense, and ending with an 11-17 record. But he was able to move on and fill in the void with the things we put on hold, despite being extremely invested in the season. Too bad it took me, uh, let's not discuss how many years until I really figured it out. Suds is a really smart guy. I need to give him a lot of credit. Thank you, Jim!

And if I'm not mistaken, Jim has his priorities in order at this time in life. I've had the pleasure of conversing with Jim on Facebook. A great guy who was a good basketball player in his own right. GoDuke!

[freshmanjs]

I thought of an idea, but need to bake it some more. Perhaps getting something really special and saving it to enjoy after the end of the season could take the sting out a bit. Question is what...

[mgtr]

This year did not hurt as much as others, since, as pointed out by someone on this board prior to the Elite Eight, that the most likely path to be faced by Duke would be Kansas, Villanova, Michigan. It seemed to me that we were almost bound to lose one of these games, so, in my mind, no championship. I hated the loss to Kansas, but it was tempered by the above reasoning. Or maybe I am just rationalizing.

[indy1duke]

Watching the games in person always beats watching them on a screen. You can yell and clap and release your emotions which sure beats throwing things at the tv. Following our loss in Omaha we went out and had a terrific meal at 801 Chop House. I found the loss more tolerable after an excellent Old Fashioned, Rappahannock oysters, chopped salad, lamb chops, hash browns with cheddar cheese, accompanied by a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon followed by a Grand Marnier soufflé.

[Reddevil]

I thought of an idea, but need to bake it some more. Perhaps getting something really special and saving it to enjoy after the end of the season could take the sting out a bit. Question is what...

Hmm, perhaps a new grill or smoker and forcing yourself not to use it until the season is over. Of course you could also go the indy1duke route just above. That sounds pretty soothing.

[HereBeforeCoachK]

Hmm, perhaps a new grill or smoker and forcing yourself not to use it until the season is over. Of course you could also go the indy1duke route just above. That sounds pretty soothing.

Warm climes: New boat
Colder climes: New car

[freshmanjs]

Hmm, perhaps a new grill or smoker and forcing yourself not to use it until the season is over. Of course you could also go the indy1duke route just above. That sounds pretty soothing.

Good idea. My daughter say she is making a mystery box filled with cool items for next year. To be opened after the last game (hopefully in April)

[Highlander]

My perspective.

No matter who wins the Duke/UNC showdown, there will always be another Duke/UNC game. So while it's fun to win and stinks to lose, both feelings are always temporary. The hardest game for me to get over was the double OT UNC game in 1995. I remember people talking immediately afterwards about what a great game it was, and I was stuck on "It wasn't a great game; we lost!" Whenever it is rebroadcast I don't watch the last overtime. That entire season was a lesson in humility, and it taught me to never take success or winning for granted.

Things changed in 1999. I had just graduated the year before and lucked into some Final Four tickets. I was there as our magical season ended with a thud in the most important game of the season. I hung my head and walked down under the bleachers at Tropicana Field, and it hit me. My team had just finished the season 37-2. We went 19-0 for the first time in ACC conference history and won the ACC tournament. We made the Final Four, and were within a play or two of winning the National Championship. By any rational measurement, that's an incredibly successful season. Any rational College Basketball team would take that result over theirs in a heartbeat (except one of course). The season was so much fun to be a part of, and I got to go to a freaking Final Four?! While I'm disappointed we didn't win, if I chose to let that color my view of the entire season, it was clear my standards were completely unrealistic.

To me the journey is what makes a season fun. No matter whether you win or lose, there is always another game. Every team is different, and no matter how much fun you had watching one, at the end of the year the team always breaks up. I have learned to appreciate the ride you're on, and "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

Last piece of advice is to under promise and over deliver. My buds consider me the "Debbie downer" of our watch parties because I'm pessimistic, but I consider myself more of a realist. My view - If you assume Duke will not make the S16 and they make the E8 or FF, you're ecstatic. If you always assume Duke will win the NC, then 90% of the time you're going to be disappointed. I personally prefer to be pleasantly surprised.

[Mtn.Devil.91.92.01.10.15]

My perspective.

No matter who wins the Duke/UNC showdown, there will always be another Duke/UNC game. So while it's fun to win and stinks to lose, both feelings are always temporary. The hardest game for me to get over was the double OT UNC game in 1995. I remember people talking immediately afterwards about what a great game it was, and I was stuck on "It wasn't a great game; we lost!" Whenever it is rebroadcast I don't watch the last overtime. That entire season was a lesson in humility, and it taught me to never take success or winning for granted.

All casual fans remember about that game is the Capel shot.