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nyesq83
10-24-2012, 08:28 PM
Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
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Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
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What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.

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What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
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If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
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How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
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What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
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University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the
other half will have to dress themselves.
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Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
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How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
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What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player’s life?

Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.

OldPhiKap
10-24-2012, 09:06 PM
After Steve Spurrier left Duke to slum it at Florida, I remember a press conference before UF played Auburn. Steve said that he had heard there was a fire at Auburn, and it had burned down the library. Which was a real shame, because some of the books hadn't been colored in yet.

Another Steve story was that he ran the score up against the Dawgs, and the UGa coach (Ray Goff IIRC) was steaming mad. Ray went out to midfield after the game and confronted Steve. "Ray," responded Spurrier, "I don't see where on the rule book it is my job to stop us from scoring."

I'm sure we all recall him referring to our next opponent as Free Shoes University" after an unfortunate incident with a player's brush with the law.

Don't go changing, OBC.

cspan37421
10-24-2012, 09:27 PM
After Steve Spurrier left Duke to slum it at Florida, I remember a press conference before UF played Auburn. Steve said that he had heard there was a fire at Auburn, and it had burned down the library. Which was a real shame, because some of the books hadn't been colored in yet.



That's an old one and dates at least as far back as the Reagan Era (not sure if it was the Governorship or Presidency, or post, but it was in my little volume The Portable Curmudgeon by Jon Winokur) and was credited to Gore Vidal:

Prepare yourself for some bad news. Ronald Reagan's library just burned down.... Both books were destroyed. But the real horror: he hadn't finished coloring either one of them.

I'm not saying The Old Ball Coach didn't steal it, but I think the original is better crafted and funnier. JMO.

dcdevil2009
10-24-2012, 10:51 PM
A Duke football player, a State football player, and a UNC football player decided to share an apartment. Unfortunately, it was a sketchy neighborhood and one of them was robbed while sitting at home. Who was it?


The UNC player. The Duke and State guys were in class.

OldPhiKap
10-24-2012, 10:56 PM
A Duke football player, a State football player, and a UNC football player decided to share an apartment. Unfortunately, it was a sketchy neighborhood and one of them was robbed while sitting at home. Who was it?


The UNC player. The Duke and State guys were in class.

Q: How mayn't UNC fans does it take to chane a lightbulb?


A: 21,000. One to change the bulb, the rest to lament how the old bulb was better under Dean Smith.

Native
10-26-2012, 04:36 PM
Why doesn't the UNC football team have a website?
Because they can't put up three W's in a row.

How do you get a UNC fan out of your backyard?
Paint it like an end zone.

BigWayne
10-26-2012, 05:55 PM
Alabama football coach Nick Saban asked the freshman walk-on hopeful if he could tackle.

The kid said, “Yes sir coach, I can tackle.”

The coach then asked, “Well, can you run?”

The kid said, “Yes sir coach, I can run very fast.”

Saban then said, “Can you pass a football?”

The kid thought for a second and said, “Well coach, if I can swallow it I can probably pass it.”

cspan37421
10-28-2012, 02:54 PM
Saban then said, “Can you pass a football?”

The kid thought for a second and said, “Well coach, if I can swallow it I can probably pass it.”

I love that one - such a play on words.

The version I heard is,

Coach: "Son, can you pass this football?"
Player: "Coach, I don't think I can even swallow it!"

TruBlu
10-28-2012, 05:24 PM
A Duke fan had his friend over to watch the Duke - Wake football game.

When Duke got a first down, the dog wagged his tail vigorously.

When Duke kicked a field goal, the dog barked loudly.

When Duke scored a touchdown, the dog danced around on his hind legs.

The friend was amazed, and asked what the dog did when Duke beats Wake. The Duke fan responded "I just don't know . . . I've only had him twelve years."

Obviously, this was prior to this years game ending.

-bdbd
10-28-2012, 10:50 PM
A couple of oldies...



Q: What does the former-UNC FB player/grad say when you give him an order?


Ans: Do you want fries with that?
Aside, what is Swahili for "Do you want fries with that?"


========

Three former ACC FB players are working hard for the sanitation department digging a ditch.
The The State player/grad turns to the MD player/grad and, holding his hand up against the wall of the ditch, says "hit my hand." The MD grad rears back and takes a big swing, only to have the State guy pull his hand away at the last second. BAM! -- the MD player misses and hits the wall with his fist. The MD grad says, "Let me try again." They repeat the sequence, and after falling for it again, the MD grad/player laughs, saying "Ha! Ha! I get it!" He then turns to the FSU grad in the ditch and says "Hit my hand," as he holds up his hand in front of his face....

OldPhiKap
10-28-2012, 10:58 PM
Je, unataka viazi fries kwa hilo?

mkline09
10-29-2012, 09:49 AM
After Steve Spurrier left Duke to slum it at Florida, I remember a press conference before UF played Auburn. Steve said that he had heard there was a fire at Auburn, and it had burned down the library. Which was a real shame, because some of the books hadn't been colored in yet.

Another Steve story was that he ran the score up against the Dawgs, and the UGa coach (Ray Goff IIRC) was steaming mad. Ray went out to midfield after the game and confronted Steve. "Ray," responded Spurrier, "I don't see where on the rule book it is my job to stop us from scoring."

I'm sure we all recall him referring to our next opponent as Free Shoes University" after an unfortunate incident with a player's brush with the law.

Don't go changing, OBC.

I had the great opportunity to meet Bob Harris at CDTC and he told a few great Spurrier stories from his time at Duke. One was when he called Bob into his office and showed him a play.

Spurrier asked Harris what he thought of this play and asked him if he thought Duke could score with it.

Bob then asked Spurrier if he had drawn up the play by which Spurrier responded with a simple Yep! Then Bob asked him if he had ever drawn up a play that he couldn't score on and Spurrier responded with a simple Nope!

jimsumner
10-29-2012, 11:24 AM
Back in the early Mack Brown at UNC era, this one made the rounds.

"Did you hear that Bear Bryant's widow relocated to Chapel Hill?

No, why would she do that?

She wanted to get as far away from big-time college football as possible."

devildeac
10-29-2012, 04:01 PM
Back in the early Mack Brown at UNC era, this one made the rounds.

"Did you hear that Bear Bryant's widow relocated to Chapel Hill?

No, why would she do that?

She wanted to get as far away from big-time college football as possible."

After consecutive 1-10 seasons at the start of his unc coaching stint, I had heard he was nominated for a Nobel Prize for finding a cure for carolina fever:rolleyes:.

Devil in the Blue Dress
10-29-2012, 05:46 PM
Some years ago Abe Lemons spoke at a Duke men's basketball banquet. He shared some of what he learned while at Texas which happen to include how scholarships were awarded in the athletic department.

A young man would come into the football coach's office for his interview. On the coach's desk was a candy jar. The coach would offer the young man a candy... each one was individually wrapped. If the young fellow took the wrapper off before eating it, he got an academic scholarship. If he ate it wrapper and all, he got an athletic scholarship.;)

Olympic Fan
10-30-2012, 01:15 AM
Frank Howard used to describe his recruiting philosophy thusly: He'd take all his prospects to the forest and tell them to run to the other side. Those who ran around the trees became backs. Those who ran into and through the trees became linemen.

As athletic director, he turned down a request to establish a crew program (Clemson is located at the edge of a large lake) by saying, "I ain't going to fund any sport where you sit our you a** and go backwards!"

BTW: Leno had a good PRO football joke tonight. Talking about Hurricane Sandy, he said the wind was blowing so strong in New York that some of Tony Romo's passes actually blew into the hands of his own receivers!

TruBlu
10-30-2012, 03:28 PM
I forget the name of the NFL coach in a post game interview, who after a bad performance by his defensive squad, was asked this: (paraphrasing).

Reporter: "What do you think of the execution of the defense?"

Coach: "I'm in favor of it!"

jimsumner
10-30-2012, 04:03 PM
Back in the days when Wake Forest was truly awful, someone painted a sign on Interstate 40 to read I-40 Wake Forest 0.

CLT Devil
10-30-2012, 04:44 PM
What do the 'O,' the 'N' and the 'S' in Clemson stand for?

The 'O' is for Honor, the 'N' is for Knowledge and the 'S' is for Chivalry...

If I had a nickel for every time I've told this joke with a Clemson alum present who said something to the extent of "I never knew that.."

And another that was as good as they come, though not as relevant now that Alabama is one of the best programs out there, more the post-Bear decades:

What do an Alabama fan and a maggot have in common?

They've both been living off a dead bear for 40 years!!

cspan37421
10-30-2012, 05:05 PM
What do the 'O,' the 'N' and the 'S' in Clemson stand for?

The 'O' is for Honor, the 'N' is for Knowledge and the 'S' is for Chivalry...

If I had a nickel for every time I've told this joke with a Clemson alum present who said something to the extent of "I never knew that.."


It's funny to see the variants on these jokes - and how they evolve. I had only heard a much simpler version of the first one, that the "N" on Nebraska's football helmets stood for "Knowledge." I always found that one extremely funny, in part because of its delicious simplicity, but the "O" and the "S" in Clemson really brings it to a higher level. That said, is there any reason to tell the joke as "O", "S" and "N" instead of the order in which they appear in the school name? Just wondering.

Jarhead
10-30-2012, 05:17 PM
It's funny to see the variants on these jokes - and how they evolve. I had only heard a much simpler version of the first one, that the "N" on Nebraska's football helmets stood for "Knowledge." I always found that one extremely funny, in part because of its delicious simplicity, but the "O" and the "S" in Clemson really brings it to a higher level. That said, is there any reason to tell the joke as "O", "S" and "N" instead of the order in which they appear in the school name? Just wondering.

My guess is that it confuses the folks at Clemson. They're not sure how to spell it. Has anyone noticed their cheer in which they spell out their name? It goes, "C L E M S uh, yeah, O N."

CLT Devil
10-30-2012, 05:21 PM
It's funny to see the variants on these jokes - and how they evolve. I had only heard a much simpler version of the first one, that the "N" on Nebraska's football helmets stood for "Knowledge." I always found that one extremely funny, in part because of its delicious simplicity, but the "O" and the "S" in Clemson really brings it to a higher level. That said, is there any reason to tell the joke as "O", "S" and "N" instead of the order in which they appear in the school name? Just wondering.

No, not particularly. Mainly you want to use the O and N because they are pretty easy to see where the joke is going, and then "and the 'S'....(pause)...is for Shivalry;)"

Merlindevildog91
10-30-2012, 07:04 PM
I forget the name of the NFL coach in a post game interview, who after a bad performance by his defensive squad, was asked this: (paraphrasing).

Reporter: "What do you think of the execution of the defense?"

Coach: "I'm in favor of it!"

John McKay, when he was the coach of the expansion Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

House G
10-30-2012, 07:21 PM
Although not a football joke, one of my old favorites:

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

drcharl
10-30-2012, 08:51 PM
An Aggie and a Longhorn are caught by a jungle tribe and sentenced to death. They are told that they will each have one last request. The Aggie thinks and says, "I want to hear the A&M Fight Song just one more time." The tribe agrees and asks the Longhorn what his last request is. He replies with only 3 words, "Kill Me First."

There was an Aggie sitting in a rowboat in the middle of the football field. Another Aggie in a truck shows up and asks, "What are you doing?" The 1st Aggie said, "I just bought this boat and I couldn't find a body of water, so I took it here and started paddling." The 2nd Aggie says, "You stupid idiot! If I knew how to swim, I would come out there and punch you in the face."

Q: Why did they ban the wave at Kyle Field?
A: Because 2 poor Aggies drowned.

Did you hear about the Aggie linebacker that stole a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

ricks68
10-31-2012, 02:14 AM
There is, I believe, an old story about Bobby Layne (named by Sports Illustrated in 1995 as the toughest quarterback that ever lived) that goes something like this:

Bobby Layne goes out to a restaurant one night for dinner with three of his linemen. Of course, he looks like a peanut next to these huge guys.

The waiter comes by and asks the first lineman what he would like for dinner. The lineman answers by saying that he would like a three pound steak cooked very rare.

When the waiter asks the second lineman what he would like, the lineman responds with a request for a four pound steak that is so rare that he wants the blood pooled all over the plate.

The third lineman's order is even more "macho", as he requests a five pound steak that is even more rare, as he wants his steak just passed over the flame for a few seconds on each side and thrown on the plate.

Now, when the waiter approaches Bobby Layne for his order, he certainly does not expect a request that would even be anywhere near what these huge guys want. Not to be outdone, however, Bobby Layne slowly turns to the waiter and says: "Don't bother with the cooking. Just turn the steer loose and I'll rip me off a piece as he goes by.":)

ricks

killerleft
10-31-2012, 11:50 AM
I heard this one, I believe, the year Duke beat UNC 40-0 in 1989:

A Carolina Rams' Clubber and her family leave the car to walk through the pines leading up to Kenan Stadium. After a leisurely stroll to the Julius Nyang'oro Entrance, she suddenly realizes she has left her 4 tickets sitting on the dashboard of her car! "Oh, my!", she said, "somebody is going to steal my tickets!". She rushes back to the car, and her fears are surely realized, for the windshield has been broken. But when she looks to the dashboard, she sees about 40 tickets piled on top of hers.

TruBlu
10-31-2012, 12:05 PM
When I received my season tickets to Duke football one year, I noticed that the starting times were not on the tickets.

I called to ask the ticket office for the kickoff time for the first game.

They asked me what time I could get there.

DU82
10-31-2012, 07:46 PM
One I read in the (Texas) Aggie Joke Book that my brother, the Horned Frog, had a while ago.

Did you hear about the Aggie football player who finally learned how to count to 21, and was arrested for indecent exposure.

TruBlu
11-03-2012, 06:14 AM
Q: Why did they change from white chalk to blue chalk on the field for UNC-CHeat football games?

A: UNC-Cheat football players started bringing straws to pregame warm-ups.