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EarlJam
05-16-2007, 09:32 AM
I have never cheated on a girl in my life. I am 38. After 7 years of marriage, I divorced 1.5 years ago. She cheated on me, twice. Then, I jumped right into a relationship with a long-time friend. We dated for a year before going through a horrible break up. I took four months off, not dating anyone. Then, about a month ago, I began dating again. I met many women. I am not used to dating different people at once and the whole thing is new to me. In short, I don't really know what I'm doing. Now, I face...........a conundrum.

There are two women that I have gone out with regularly for about 1.5 months now. We will call them Mandy and Julie. I didn't mean for it to happen this way, but the next thing I know, the innocent dating of many turned into something a little more substantial with both Mandy and Julie. They are the only ones I am seeing. They both recently expressed to me that they'd like to continue seeing me. I feel the same way about them. But I do not want to cheat. I just won't do it.

Last week, I ruptured my achilles tendon and I have to have surgery Tuesday. I will then be basically bed-ridden for more than two weeks. Both Mandy and Julie have told me, "I'll be there for you. I will take care of you!"

Uh-Oh. See my problem? :eek:

I'm not a bad guy and I want to do the right thing. But I'm new to dating and am unsure how to handle this. I like both girls for different reasons.

Anyone have any thoughts? Advice? I feel like I'm living a sitcom, and one way or another, the fecal matter is about to hit the fan.

-EarlJam

Indoor66
05-16-2007, 09:36 AM
I have never cheated on a girl in my life. I am 38. After 7 years of marriage, I divorced 1.5 years ago. She cheated on me, twice. Then, I jumped right into a relationship with a long-time friend. We dated for a year before going through a horrible break up. I took four months off, not dating anyone. Then, about a month ago, I began dating again. I met many women. I am not used to dating different people at once and the whole thing is new to me. In short, I don't really know what I'm doing. Now, I face...........a conundrum.

There are two women that I have gone out with regularly for about 1.5 months now. We will call them Mandy and Julie. I didn't mean for it to happen this way, but the next thing I know, the innocent dating of many turned into something a little more substantial with both Mandy and Julie. They are the only ones I am seeing. They both recently expressed to me that they'd like to continue seeing me. I feel the same way about them. But I do not want to cheat. I just won't do it.

Last week, I ruptured my achilles tendon and I have to have surgery Tuesday. I will then be basically bed-ridden for more than two weeks. Both Mandy and Julie have told me, "I'll be there for you. I will take care of you!"

Uh-Oh. See my problem? :eek:

I'm not a bad guy and I want to do the right thing. But I'm new to dating and am unsure how to handle this. I like both girls for different reasons.

Anyone have any thoughts? Advice? I feel like I'm living a sitcom, and one way or another, the fecal matter is about to hit the fan.

-EarlJam


Get Single & stay there.

Dukerati
05-16-2007, 09:51 AM
My first instinct would be to keep the good thing going as long as possible. In your case, this would be dating both women for as long as you need to make up your mind and choose one or the other. To this end, I would suggest making up an excuse to both women where Mandy takes care of you for one week and Julie takes care of you for other. This, however, is probably horrible advice and the women on this board will probably concur.

The traditional advice would be to be honest with both women and hope one of them sticks. It's not fair to either of them or you and if the relationship is "worth it" or even if its not, whatever happens is probably for the best.

CMS2478
05-16-2007, 09:58 AM
My first instinct would be to keep the good thing going as long as possible. In your case, this would be dating both women for as long as you need to make up your mind and choose one or the other. To this end, I would suggest making up an excuse to both women where Mandy takes care of you for one week and Julie takes care of you for other. This, however, is probably horrible advice and the women on this board will probably concur.

The traditional advice would be to be honest with both women and hope one of them sticks. It's not fair to either of them or you and if the relationship is "worth it" or even if its not, whatever happens is probably for the best.

I wouldn't recommend dating two women at once. It never works on TV and it is even more likely not to work in real life. :D

EarlJam
05-16-2007, 10:05 AM
I feel like Jack Tripper.

How in the hell did this become.....this?

-EarlJam

ajtrublu
05-16-2007, 10:15 AM
My first instinct would be to keep the good thing going as long as possible. In your case, this would be dating both women for as long as you need to make up your mind and choose one or the other. To this end, I would suggest making up an excuse to both women where Mandy takes care of you for one week and Julie takes care of you for other. This, however, is probably horrible advice and the women on this board will probably concur.

The traditional advice would be to be honest with both women and hope one of them sticks. It's not fair to either of them or you and if the relationship is "worth it" or even if its not, whatever happens is probably for the best.


A) Yes, as a woman on the board, I agree that this is horrible advice.

B) No, my advice is not to be honest with both women and hope one of them sticks. Unless you've agreed with either or both of them that you'd be exclusive, you haven't done anything wrong. BUT, dating at 38 is different than in your twenties. A month and a half in it's time to decide. You need to make a choice. Personally, I say go with Mandy (it has NOTHING to do with the fact that that's my name...nothing I tell you). I don't buy that you really feel exactly the same about the both of them. You need to really think about it. If it turns out you do, maybe neither is right for you. I wouldn't want to be with a guy who feels like it's six of one, half dozen of another if he was with me or somebody else.

Cavlaw
05-16-2007, 10:43 AM
Personally, I say go with Mandy (it has NOTHING to do with the fact that that's my name...nothing I tell you).

I don't suppose a guy you're dating recently suffered a ruptured achilles tendon? ;)

rthomas
05-16-2007, 11:25 AM
Can you say "threesome"?

EarlJam
05-16-2007, 11:50 AM
Can you say "threesome"?

You are the second person to suggest that. A friend of mine hinted in that direction as well. It may be worth a try. Yes....yes,........yes, I will do it. But with my ruptured Achilles tendon, I'll just have to lay there and let the ladies do all the work (said in Ladies Man tone of voice). This is sounding better and better by the minute.:D Thanks!

-EarlJam

**Disclaimer - EarlJam is only joking with the above response. EarlJam greatly respects all women and would never participate in the above activity no the basis of principle alone....unless, of course, both the women just really, really, really wanted to do it. Then, I would be compelled to make a "sacrifice."

CMS2478
05-16-2007, 11:57 AM
You are the second person to suggest that. A friend of mine hinted in that direction as well. It may be worth a try. Yes....yes,........yes, I will do it. But with my ruptured Achilles tendon, I'll just have to lay there and let the ladies do all the work (said in Ladies Man tone of voice). This is sounding better and better by the minute.:D Thanks!

-EarlJam

**Disclaimer - EarlJam is only joking with the above response. EarlJam greatly respects all women and would never participate in the above activity no the basis of principle alone....unless, of course, both the women just really, really, really wanted to do it. Then, I would be compelled to make a "sacrifice."

This thread is quickly becoming "R" rated. ;)

Lavabe
05-16-2007, 12:25 PM
When I saw the title of this thread, I thought it was going to be about women's basketball!

Never mind!

Cheers,
Lavabe

AtlBluRew
05-16-2007, 12:33 PM
Hey, there's another Duke man on national television these days, and he was at one time dating 12 or so women at once, and they all knew it. The secret seems to be that after a date or two he presents some -- not all, just some -- of them with longstem roses. No rose means, "It's been nice knowing you. See ya!" In any event, these women seem so motivated to get a rose that they hang on. Maybe good florists are hard to find.

So, to make The Bachelor's experience work for you: First, get a female friend to pose as Woman #3, and bring Mandy, Julie and Woman #3 together. Say that you've enjoyed dating all of them, and that this has been a very hard decision to make, but it's time to make one. Have two, and only two, longstem roses on display. As each of Mandy and Julie if they will accept a rose and continue to see you. Have Woman #3 pretend to be disappointed. Mandy and Julie will be thrilled and will tolerate you dating both of them at least for another week.

Good luck!

EarlJam
05-16-2007, 12:42 PM
Hey, there's another Duke man on national television these days, and he was at one time dating 12 or so women at once, and they all knew it. The secret seems to be that after a date or two he presents some -- not all, just some -- of them with longstem roses. No rose means, "It's been nice knowing you. See ya!" In any event, these women seem so motivated to get a rose that they hang on. Maybe good florists are hard to find.

So, to make The Bachelor's experience work for you: First, get a female friend to pose as Woman #3, and bring Mandy, Julie and Woman #3 together. Say that you've enjoyed dating all of them, and that this has been a very hard decision to make, but it's time to make one. Have two, and only two, longstem roses on display. As each of Mandy and Julie if they will accept a rose and continue to see you. Have Woman #3 pretend to be disappointed. Mandy and Julie will be thrilled and will tolerate you dating both of them at least for another week.

Good luck!

I will not do this.

Windsor
05-16-2007, 01:32 PM
Two cents from another woman on the list...

1) I agree with (the list's) Mandy...unless there has been the 'this is an exclusive relationship' conversation you are in the clear on the 'cheating' front. Really. Will they be pleased to know you're dating someone else? Probably not...but under the circumstances you've described I would think it wouldn't be a deal breaker for either of them. On that subject...how sure are you that one or both of the ladies isn't also seeing someone else?

2) In the near term in order to take one of these relationships to the next level you are going to have to give up the other. Is 1 1/2 months enough time? I don't know. It depends how often you are seeing each of them and what level the relationships have gotten to.

3) With your surgery coming up its going to be very hard to keep them from running into each other unless you thank them for their care/concern and offers of help and then either decline or schedule limitted time with both of them (sexist comment ahead: use the ' i am a miserable baby when I am sick and I want to be alone' you are male, they will believe it - LOL)

There is always the coin toss method...never mind the head or tails part...when you toss a coin as soon as its in the air you *know* which way you want it to land.

Good Luck

ajtrublu
05-16-2007, 02:24 PM
There is always the coin toss method...never mind the head or tails part...when you toss a coin as soon as its in the air you *know* which way you want it to land.

Perfectly put! I attempted to make that point, but much, much more clumsily.

JasonEvans
05-16-2007, 03:07 PM
Hey, there's another Duke man on national television these days, and he was at one time dating 12 or so women at once, and they all knew it. The secret seems to be that after a date or two he presents some -- not all, just some -- of them with longstem roses. No rose means, "It's been nice knowing you. See ya!" In any event, these women seem so motivated to get a rose that they hang on. Maybe good florists are hard to find.

So, to make The Bachelor's experience work for you: First, get a female friend to pose as Woman #3, and bring Mandy, Julie and Woman #3 together. Say that you've enjoyed dating all of them, and that this has been a very hard decision to make, but it's time to make one. Have two, and only two, longstem roses on display. As each of Mandy and Julie if they will accept a rose and continue to see you. Have Woman #3 pretend to be disappointed. Mandy and Julie will be thrilled and will tolerate you dating both of them at least for another week.

Good luck!

I am not sure if this is the most insulting or most brilliant thing I have read all day.

All I can say is that if you do this-- you better have a camera rolling so we can all see the video.

-Jason "there's a really bad college sex movie called Threesome with Stephen Baldwin, Laura Flynn Boyle, and Josh Charles-- it would be worth watching with your ladies if it was not about 2 guys and one girl" Evans

EarlJam
05-16-2007, 04:24 PM
I am not sure if this is the most insulting or most brilliant thing I have read all day.

All I can say is that if you do this-- you better have a camera rolling so we can all see the video.

-Jason "there's a really bad college sex movie called Threesome with Stephen Baldwin, Laura Flynn Boyle, and Josh Charles-- it would be worth watching with your ladies if it was not about 2 guys and one girl" Evans

Jason,

I will do anything for love. I will do ANYTHING for love. I will do an-y-thing for love.........but I won't do that. No no, no I won't do that.

-EarlJamloaf

Exiled_Devil
05-16-2007, 06:51 PM
EarlJam -

To clarify, do either of them think this is exclusive? Because if not, then this is a slightly different problem. Instead of trying to figure out if/how to juggle, this becomes a question of "Do I want to have a 'big relationship conversation'?"

In this case, the issue becomes whether a simple "I am dating someone else, too" conversation becomes the dreaded "How serious are we?" which too quickly degrades into the "are we getting married?" conversation, which I assume you are no inclined to participate in (Because none of us are inclined to that, really.)

So, how to have the conversation of relationship status without escalating to serious relationship status? I'm not sure you can. So, I would fall back on the multiple avoidance strategies suggested earlier in the thread.
Edit: Okay, some more mature responses to the relationship status conversation: just because you don't have it doesn't mean that it is not a real topic that is necessary. I say, tell them both that you are seeing someone else and let it fall out as it will. Unless you think one of them is serious marrying potential - assuming that is still interesting to you. Then dump the other. Given your history, my guess is that moving into a single, exclusive relationship right now is not your ideal situation. So tell them both. Avoiding just ups the ante and the likelihood you get 'caught' and you have no control over who leaves upset. By being open now, you can say you are doing nothing wrong, and if one of them freaks, you have a good clue into what the relationship would have been like six months down the road.

Exiled

allenmurray
05-17-2007, 07:19 AM
It doesn't matter if they think it is exclusive or not. The simple fact that you yourself are uncomfortable with this, are worried about what each of them will think when they "find out", should be enough to tell you that you have to be honest with them regarless of the consequences. Anytime we find ourselves "hiding" something from someone we care about it is time to change our behavior.

Lavabe
05-17-2007, 08:08 AM
Jason,

I will do anything for love. I will do ANYTHING for love. I will do an-y-thing for love.........but I won't do that. No no, no I won't do that.

-EarlJamloaf

Holy cow, I think he's gonna make it!:D

Cheers,
Lavabe

EarlJam
05-17-2007, 10:01 AM
It doesn't matter if they think it is exclusive or not. The simple fact that you yourself are uncomfortable with this, are worried about what each of them will think when they "find out", should be enough to tell you that you have to be honest with them regarless of the consequences. Anytime we find ourselves "hiding" something from someone we care about it is time to change our behavior.

This is a very good point, thanks.

-Dan

Reisen
05-17-2007, 10:29 AM
http://usera.imagecave.com/shinycars/ThisThreadRocks.jpg

Windsor
05-17-2007, 02:27 PM
allenmurray makes a very good point. If you feel guilty then perhaps its time to have a conversation with the each of ladies. . I would offer this (rather obvious) advice: the nature of the human animal is want details - and in this circumstance the less 'A' knows about 'B' and vica versa the better. Stick to the barebones facts! Please, no phone calls, no e-mails - this is a face to face issue.
I would start by telling her that you enjoy her company that the relationship has progressed to a point that you feel the need to be honest with her. I would move immediatley to disclosing that you started dating someone else about the same time as I started dating her. Tell her you wanted her to know that you are still seeing her as well. No rational person would expect you to clear you dance card for the privelege of a first date with them. Stress that you wish be honest and not feel like you are sneaking around. If you are not ready for the 'next level' say so. Again, any rational person would understand if you were somewhat hesitant to jump back into the frying pan. Do not answer any specific questions about the other woman. Repeat DO NOT answer any specific questions about the other woman. Any information beyond her existance is too much information.
Expect a knee jerk reaction that is not positive! Anger, tears, and nastiness would not be unexpected. Do not engage in this behavior. A simple "I'm sorry you feel that way but I felt it was important that you know" is all you need and leave it at that. Do not justify your actions, as you have nothing here to apologize for! If you very lucky you might actually get appreciation for your candor (if you do, propose marriage immediately!:) ) You may get a very rational 'well, if we are going to continue to see each other it needs to be an exculsive relationship' in which case you need to respect that and tell her you understand and you'll time to consider whether or not your are ready for that step.
If you get a case of the uglies give her time to calm down and rationally process the information (hence the do not engage advice) as more likely than not after thinking if over she may well calm down and see the situation differently.
Good luck (with whichever path you take)

Bostondevil
05-18-2007, 07:57 AM
Expect a knee jerk reaction that is not positive! Anger, tears, and nastiness would not be unexpected.

Oh c'mon, let's give these women some credit. These relationships haven't been going on for that long and who knows if EarlJam is the only guy they are seeing. Long talks may not even be necessary. Seriously. Way back in my single days, when a guy started to give me the "I'm not ready for anything serious yet" or whatever name you boys give that talk, after only a few dates, I usually wanted to laugh in their face and say "What makes you think I want to be serious with you?" However, I tried very hard to be respectful and listen. But I'd usually cross that guy off my list fairly soon just for assuming way to much.

Maybe a simple, "Do we need to talk about where things stand?" is enough. If the woman says no, well then, you don't need to have a talk at all.

Windsor
05-18-2007, 08:30 AM
Oh c'mon, let's give these women some credit.

I am..that's why I said 'knee jerk'. Without information to the contrary I will bet the rent that each lady believes she is the only one he's seeing. Given that, a knee jerk is normal...and, by definition, will pass and be replace by rational thought.

Bostondevil
05-18-2007, 08:38 AM
Are you the only guy these women are seeing EarlJam? Do you know that? Do you want to?

Advice from the distaff side, like I said before, don't assume too much.

JasonEvans
05-18-2007, 08:56 AM
http://usera.imagecave.com/shinycars/ThisThreadRocks.jpg

I'd much rather the fat rocking dude to the pancake bunny.

http://www.bloomcounty.org/~megan/misc/pancake_bunny.jpg

-Jason "I fully expect this thread to someday contain an update on what happened to Earl's love life" Evans

Chard
05-18-2007, 09:00 AM
EarlJam, why do you need either one? Do you have relatives that can help you while you are recovering? Are you using a relationship as a crutch (no pun intended)? I wouldn't be in a rush to get serious given your recent history. I'm sure you are in need of companionship. We all are. How about sticking this out on your own or with your immediate family? That is if you have any. I don't know your family situation.

Be honest with both but don't look to use either one as a pacifier while you recover. Take a break. Which ever one is still around after you focus on your healing then that will give you an idea of what relationship is worth continuing. If both are still around feel good that you have two fine women in your life. Then you are back to square one.

I’m just trying to give you a different option. Why not focus on healing yourself physically and emotionally? You’ll be a better man for it.

No charge,

Chard

rsvman
05-18-2007, 04:33 PM
My advice?


Stand in front of a mirror. Look yourself square in the eyes. Repeat to yourself, "I am an idiot, I am an idiot" over and over until it sinks in.



Repeat as necessary.:D

gus
05-21-2007, 08:01 AM
Can you say "threesome"?

You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe it's ménage à trois...

But I wouldn't recommend it. You'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and you'd need a new bedspread and new curtains. You'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting....

JasonEvans
05-21-2007, 10:42 AM
You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe it's ménage à trois...

But I wouldn't recommend it. You'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and you'd need a new bedspread and new curtains. You'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting....

Great Seinfeld episode!!

Highlander
05-21-2007, 11:45 AM
I was wondering how long it would take for this thread to come to that reference.
"Have you ever successfully executed the roommate switch?"
"It can't be done."

DevilAlumna
05-21-2007, 01:42 PM
Last week, I ruptured my achilles tendon and I have to have surgery Tuesday. I will then be basically bed-ridden for more than two weeks.

If I did the math right, I believe you're headed under the knife tomorrow. Good luck, and best wishes for a speedy recovery!

TillyGalore
05-21-2007, 03:49 PM
Oh c'mon, let's give these women some credit.

Bostondevil, there are some women out there (before you call me sexist I am a woman too) who would give the knee jerk reaction described in a previous post.

EarlJam, good luck with the surgery. I have no advice to offer that is any better than what was offered above. I'll echo what someone else said, be honest with them and your feelings. I liked the coin toss suggestion.

Best of luck!!!

P.S. I can't stop singing that Meatloaf song in a previous post.