View Full Version : UNC Basketball Recaps

11-16-2009, 09:46 PM
There's a poster on TDD that does some great recaps of Carolina games. He's given me permission to repost his recaps here as I think they're hilarious. Here's his recap of the Valpo game:

Defense Repels Crusaders Dome Attack!

Sixth-ranked Tar Heels Cruise To Victory Behind Senior Ginyard's Leadership

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. (OP)— In an example of superior focus and intensity, the North Carolina defense smothered the offensive juggernaut from Valparaiso en route to an 88-77 runaway victory on Sunday. The vaunted Tar Heel backcourt of senior Marcus Ginyard and sophomore Larry Drew II led the effort by holding their counterparts to a meager 10-16 shooting from 3 point range in a defensive display that brought the Smith Center audience to his feet. Ginyard, the probable national defensive player of the year, showed his versatility in the rout.

"Deuce and I had a little contest going," admitted Ginyard, referring to his backcourtmate Drew. The senior overcame a strong challenge from the underclassman by leading both teams in assists, a new NCAA record. Ginyard recorded 6 assists and 5 turnovers against Drew's 6 assists and only 4 turnovers. "They (Valpo) needed some help," added Drew. "Coach is always instructing us on sportsmanship." The two Tar Heel stars combined to set up score after score to bolster the sagging psyches of their opponents.

"It was really a sight to behold," said Tar Heel coach Roy Williams. "It was the type of defensive performance I've come to expect from my guards throughout the years. The thing I was most proud of was their unselfishness. I'll be darned if I've seen anything like it since I've been here."

The Williams era at North Carolina has been blessed with overachieving though ultimately one dimensional guards like Raymond Felton and Ty Lawson who only rarely shared the ball with opponents. Drew appears intent on breaking the mold of his predecessors. "I learned to share in kindergarten," said 'Deuce'. "I've been working on it every day since. Coach always says 'Hard Work' is the path to riches and he is right."

Incomparable Tar Heel scoring machine, John Henson, was the thankful recipient of his teammates' efforts. "They just pass it with such will and emotion. I'd heard that about players here. It was one reason I wanted to be a part of this team - aside from the exposure and chance to go pro early. Oh, and the defensive philosophy."

Henson, known as "the Condor" for his limitless wingspan and soon-to-be extinct amateur status, took those passes and continued to impress with 4 points, going 2-4 from the field, 0-2 from the line. Henson announced his intention to turn pro following his last game. Twin freshmen Travis and David Wear, in their third straight powerhouse performance, combined for a whopping 6 points and 3 rebounds. David Wear overcame a broken leg suffered last game against UNCC to aid in the cause. "The staff told everyone it was just a sprain. But my xray vision said otherwise. Unlike some players, a little fracture like that can't stop a true competitor like me."

"They have the best freshmen class I have ever seen," exclaimed Crusader head coach Homer Drew. "But the most disturbing thing was to see Larry out there shutting down Valpo. I stopped sending his Mom support checks and he took it out on us." Bryce Drew, an assistant on his father's staff, answered further inquiries about the relationship between the Drews. "It's not something we try to draw attention to," he said. "Valpo is in Indiana, after all."

Continuing a disturbing trend, Valparaiso cut into the Tar Heel lead via a substitution error by North Carolina head coach Roy Williams. Leading by 24 points late in the second half, Williams staggered up and down the sideline in front of his bench before shouting "Where's Tyler?". Misunderstanding their hall-of-fame coach, twins David and Travis Wear checked into the game along with sophomore center Tyler Zeller. What resulted was a barrage of lucky tosses by Valpo guards that cut the deficit to 9. As Crusader guard Brandon McPherson stepped to the line to bring his team within 8, referee Carl Hess called a timely lane violation on a Valpo player to shift momentum. "Carl is a good official," Williams later said to reporters. "He wouldn't have called that if it wasn't justified. It was really an MVP type performance tonight on his part."

Valparaiso's Drew agreed. "Our guys just kept committing obvious and blatant fouls, over and over, fouling and fouling. If it wasn't for this officiating crew, a lot of our bench guys would never have seen the floor. I just want to pass along their thanks and the thanks of their families for the facetime. Those minutes will be cherished."

The officiating was not without controversy, however. UNC's Deon Thompson was called for a contact technical at one point for tickling Valpo player, Cameron Witt. Williams accepted blame, calling it a miscommunication in assistant coach Steve Robinson's scouting report. "The scouting notes indicated Witt was a soft, finesse player who could be distracted by light body contact. Apparently we were not specific enough with Deon." Thompson, a senior, was corrected following the foul call. "They told me to leave my massage oils in the lockerroom. I practiced all week for that, but sometimes you have to make in-game adjustments," said Thompson.

Valparaiso, in the midst of a seven game road trip to open the season, used a "Circus Zone" for most of the game, consisting of speedy midgets that momentarily caused difficulties for UNC. The strategy ultimately failed in the face of too much talent and pressure defense. "I just can't see them losing a game this season," said Drew. "I'd bet the farm on them repeating, if I hadn't lost it on the Phillies after game one. Their coaching adjustments are phenomenal. Roy has them prepared for anything."

The postgame news conference featured another breakthrough in collegiate basketball, one that may have far-reaching effects on other sports. In another coaching innovation for UNC, Roy Williams instituted a 5 second question rule on postgame reporters. "I can leave in a heartbeat, so ask 'em fast!" said Williams. "I hate to be so rude, but you guys just bug the bejesus out of me. You've gotta value the dadgum questions... and the answers too. You can't just write like chickens with your heads cut off." This incredible example of coaching wisdom is sure to go down in history alongside other Carolina innovations such as the Four Corners, The Finger Point (acknowledgement of an assist by the scoring player), the Blue team mass substitution, Breakdancing, and Assistant Coaches' Car Leasing program.

11-16-2009, 09:48 PM
Here's the UNCC one:

Henson Sparks Win, Declares For Draft!

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. (OP)— When Tar Heel superfrosh John Henson watched twin classmates David and Travis Wear beat up on Florida International in Monday night's 88-72 victory, he knew he had to step up his game. He did that and more Wednesday night against previously unbeaten North Carolina Central, as the Henson-led Tar Heels burned the Eagles and beat the 46 point spread, 89-42.

Leading by only two points nearly midway through the first half, Henson scored to spark a 32-3 run before halftime that carried his team to victory. "Those guys inspired me," Henson said of his fellow freshmen sensations. "I knew the scouts were in the house after what they did the other night." Coming off his 4 point performance vs FIU, Henson said he knew the Eagles would try to key on him defensively. "I just had to play my game and do what Coach told me to do."

In another jawdropping and inspiring performance, the Wear twins continued their dominance by adding a combined 4 points and 6 rebounds. "We decided to let John handle points tonight and focused on getting on the glass", noted one Wear twin in leading the Heels to a 46-24 rebounding advantage before a sea of blue seats at the Dean Smith Center.

Henson, whose torrid 1-4 shooting (2-4 from the line) paced the Heels offense, said he wants to be known as more than just a scorer. "I play all 90 feet", said the rookie sensation, having chipped in an impressive 3 blocks on the night. When informed that the court was actually 94 feet in length, he added "I knew that. But you can't defend in that little circle under the hoop, and I won't have to next year. That's right. I said it. I'll be going pro after this season. You've seen what I can do." Further inquiries were directed to the UNC staff. "I don't have an agent yet," said Henson. "I'm not John Wall!"

When asked about their own draft plans, one of the fabulous Wear twins replied "We considered declaring after the last game (their first at UNC) but now H has beaten us to the punch. I guess we'll probably stay for four years now." In clarifying, the other Wear twin added "We're like a family here, so we don't want to steal his thunder... or 'Big E's' (Ed Davis) next year... or Dex's (Dexter Strickland) the year after that. But then it will be OUR time!"

Tar Heel coach Roy Williams was humble in victory. "There's no way to stop us this year. Travis, David and John? Unstoppable. I'm gonna miss those guys!" added Williams before breaking into sobs.

The Eagles managed to cut into the lead momentarily in the second half, thanks in part to a midgame book signing by Williams. The run was halted when Williams inadvertantly substituted a fan who had been waiting in line for an autographed copy. The ecstatic man, retiree James McNaughton, 68, was wearing a replica number 50 jersey. "Coach pointed at me and said 'Get in there, Tyler!'" said McNaughton. McNaughton was eventually ejected after hugging Tyler Zeller once too often. Zeller refused comment.

In the postgame news conference, Williams was asked about the error. "I saw the jersey and I guess I had a flashback. I really miss that guy!" said Williams as tears flowed down unabashedly down his face. Speculation is that the Tar Heel coach has been in treatment for a rare ailment known as Post Tyler Stress Disorder, or PTSD. Team doctors would not elaborate.

North Carolina Central's first-year head coach LeVelle Moton had nothing but praise for the Tar Heels. "They are just so impressive up close, especially those Wear twins. With Henson, too, when he breathes in. It's just not fair. Did you see that alley-oop he missed? Probably the second best miss I've ever seen!"

"I wish our AD hadn't scheduled this game, but I'm not a pansy like Isiah. I would never try to dodge them or back out.", Moton added.

It was the first ever meeting between the two powerhouse programs. The Tar Heels are attempting to defend their fifth national championship from last season. The Eagles are looking to followup last year's successful 4-27 campaign with a run of their own.

Williams downplayed the Tar Heels role as favorites to repeat. "I think we have a shot at winning it all again if we can stay healthy. We've got a lot of HARD WORK to do though... which reminds me. Did you get a copy of my new book yet?"

Mark Ginnerd added 17 points for North Carolina in the win. Some guy led the way for UNCC (0-1) with 16 points in the loss.

11-16-2009, 09:49 PM
Here's the FIU one:

Wear Twin Powers Activate!

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. (OP)— New Florida International coach Isiah Thomas could only watch in awe as North Carolina's superrecruit twins, Travis and David Wear, opened their soon-to-be historic collegiate careers by leading the defending national champion Tar Heels to a 88-72 crushing victory on Monday night in the 2K Sports Classic.

David Wear scored 3 points while twin brother Travis Wear added 2 points for North Carolina (1-0) against the undersized and overawed Golden Panthers (0-1). The twosome also contributed 2 boards and 3 assists on their way to stunning upstart FIU. North Carolina kicked off its centennial season against Thomas, the Hall of Fame player and former NBA coach who took over the long-struggling program in April. It was clear early, however, that there would be no storybook tale for the Golden Panthers on this night.

Amidst the inspirational towel-waving of perennial benchwarmers and walkons reminiscent of last season's Tar Heel championship run, the Wear twins showed no mercy. North Carolina used a FG from Travis Wear, who shot 100% for the game (1 for 1), to open a lead that they never relinquished. From there, it was David Wear who carved up the Golden Panther defense with his precision passes for 3 assists vs only 1 turnover.

Still, North Carolina looked lackluster aside from the Wear twins, committing 26 turnovers to confound Tar Heel coach Roy Williams. "Dadgum, I may have to start David at point guard this season. These other guys just aren't worth the suits on their backs. You want a Coke?"

Despite their overwhelming dominance, the Wears' were not without momentary difficulties. Both stellar freshmen were each whistled for a single foul in the contest. Williams gently chided the officiating in his regular folksy manner. "By gosh, once we circulate photographs of the twins in the ACC office and swap them out for Tyler's, we expect things will correct themselves accordingly."

Florida International made headlines when it hired the NBA hall-of-fame player Thomas, who was a controversial and less-than-successful NBA coach. This matchup had previously brought some offseason drama when FIU and Thomas initially balked at playing North Carolina in the 2K Sports Classic, saying it would be an impossible task with the Wear twins on the Tar Heel roster. The Golden Panthers had hoped to schedule a more manageable opponent, such as the Miami Heat. When denied an NCAA waiver to play the in-state professional club, FIU officials resigned themselves to their dismal fate though reluctance still apparently remained.

Thomas was a late arrival onto the court, just before the national anthem had started. He walked to the bench and was greeted warmly by Williams—who was an assistant for the Tar Heels when Thomas-led Indiana got lucky and downed UNC for the 1981 NCAA championship. "I knew we were screwed once I saw the Wears in the layup line," admitted Thomas. "I didn't even want to go out there." When asked about the exchange with Williams, Coach "I" smiled sheepishly. "He told me he'd only play them sparingly to save my job... and then he offered me a Coke."

The Wear's each played only 10 minutes for a combined 20 minutes for the game, a testament to Williams' honesty and sportsmanship. "Actually, I thought it was the same kid", said Coach Williams with a shrug.

North Carolina wore throwback uniforms as part of a yearlong celebration of its 100th season. "Travis and David made these," said Williams. "They can do it all."

In related recruiting news, top-rated senior Harrison Barnes officially dropped the Tar Heels from consideration following tonight's game. "There is no way I'd ever see the court if I had to play behind the Wears. They're just too good. I'm not even sure I should go to Duke now either. I'd have to play against them at least twice per season. No way. UCLA is looking better and better!"

Deion Thomason added 20 for the victors in mopup duty.

11-16-2009, 10:09 PM
Here's the UNCC one:

You mean NCCU?

11-16-2009, 11:19 PM
Through 3 games:

Will Graves: 19 points
Justin Watts: 14 points