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View Full Version : Need Zingers -- Visiting UNC. Please Help!



boyce
03-02-2007, 09:45 AM
I volunteered to be a speaker on a panel for graduating computer science students at local colleges.

Today, I'm speaking at ..... a large University located in Chapel Hill. Now, I'm not planning to start anything -- I grew up in NC, and have close friends who are alumni. But I would be a fool to go over there without my wits sharp and a head full of quality comebacks and insults. Evenutally, somebody's going to ask, perhaps, what degrees I have (Duke B.S., Duke M.S., Duke Ph.D), or, maybe, what my wife does (a Duke Ph.d who teaches at Duke), or the best things about grad school (5 years of excellent tickets to games in Cameron). I suspect things could become acrimonious there.

I can't let our school down. If placed in my spot, what would Rodney Dangerfield say? What would Oscar Wilde say? What would Winston Churchill say? George Bernard Shaw? Disreali? Jeff Foxworthy?

Post, or email to boyce@alumni.duke.edu. (Oops -- damned again. I even have a Duke Blue email address).

-Boyce

Highlander
03-02-2007, 10:39 AM
Hmm. I always like referring to UNC as "Orange County Community College."

Of course 3>2, and 3>1 always riles them too.

onepresent
03-02-2007, 11:08 AM
How about, "You guys have a great program with players and a coach I respect. I thoroughly enjoy our rivalry."

That may give them pause.

wilko
03-02-2007, 01:49 PM
Reminding them that the 1924 Helms Foundation trophy doesn't really count as it was before the NCAA came into being.

AND if they are soooo insistent on counting as a success; then they should properly attribute it in their media guides to the UNC "White Phantoms" and not the Tar Heels as was their "period correct" mascot back then.

http://www.ramfanatic.com/Basketball/white_phantoms.htm

TIP Wear kevlar if you go this route...

Clipsfan
03-02-2007, 01:58 PM
Reminding them that the 1924 Helms Foundation trophy doesn't really count as it was before the NCAA came into being.

AND if they are soooo insistent on counting as a success; then they should properly attribute it in their media guides to the UNC "White Phantoms" and not the Tar Heels as was their "period correct" mascot back then.

http://www.ramfanatic.com/Basketball/white_phantoms.htm

TIP Wear kevlar if you go this route...

Not only that, but the Helms Foundation trophy was retroactively assigned many years later...in an era when most of the teams didn't play each other.

CameronBlue
03-02-2007, 02:20 PM
Since you've decided not to instigate anything then presumably you will not be adorned with Duke-wear though you'd likely have Duke fandom's dying admiration if you wore the "I said no to Dean" t-shirt. The 3>2 mantra has merit but take the subliminal approach such has working in the ratio 3/2 in all of your answers, maybe substitute "well 3 on one hand 2 on the other" for "six of one half-dozen of the other". When asked for advice instead of using the old shopworn, "My uncle Bob used to say, 'Boyce'..." instead say, "My old friend, Speedo Guy used to remind me that...". Or you could thoughtfully reflect on those lean days after graduation when you had to drive a second-hand Ford to work...lots of potential here.

feldspar
03-02-2007, 02:34 PM
Find some way to work in a Weber State reference.

Ima Facultiwyfe
03-02-2007, 03:01 PM
...it's always "a good thing", as Martha would say, to share zingers.

I like the understated kind; the kind where they don't know they've been slammed until after you've walked away.

My favorite was a response of Shane's when questioned about the venom we all feel from Chapel Hill. He just grinned that wide, loveable grin of his and replyed in an off handed manner, "Yeah, I guess those folks take it all pretty seriously over there." (Talk about water off a Duck's back!)

We live in CH. My husband wore his Duke sweatshirt into the grocery store the other day, only to be accosted by the butcher who said "It takes guts to sport that ugly shirt around in here!" My husband replied, "Yep, it sure does."

I have two responses I use interchangeably. One is to just constantly reply over and over "So, what's your point?"

The other is to just say "Heyyyyyy SEE ya." and walk away.

Hope your presentation went well.
Love, Ima

grit74
03-02-2007, 03:30 PM
this may be too late for you....but if you really want to get under their skin, be gracious and acknowledge how fortunate the state of North Carolina is to have so many excellent universities, and particularly for this area to have a world-class top ten national university and an excellent state university.

That's all it takes to bring the obsession to full tilt.

Besides, after last night, you won't get much basketball flack.

unwrinkled ear
03-02-2007, 03:47 PM
Find some way to work in a Weber State reference.

Oh yah! I constantly bring up Weber state with some UNC people I know.

That reminds me of something:
The funny thing here in California (and I suspect also true outisde of NC) is how many people you see sporting UNC paraphernalia that have NO memory of anything UNC related. I've passed people on the street when I've had Duke stuff on and they have UNC stuff and I make a face and they don't even recognize what's going on. I've tried to have resepctful rivalry conversations with people and been met with blank stares. I bring up Weber state and they really have no idea what I'm talking about. It's clear that UNC has been branded almost past any identification with the school or its tradition.

rsvman
03-02-2007, 04:16 PM
If placed in my spot, what would Rodney Dangerfield say?
I tell ya, your school gets no respect. Maybe if you had won THREE National Championships that would change.

What would Oscar Wilde say?
[points to something Carolina blue and sighs] Either that color goes or I go.
What would Winston Churchill say?
You've got the makings of a fine community college here.

Jeff Foxworthy?
You might be a TarHeel if....you've got two degrees and you're still deliverin' pizza.

zingit
03-02-2007, 05:33 PM
That reminds me of something:
The funny thing here in California (and I suspect also true outisde of NC) is how many people you see sporting UNC paraphernalia that have NO memory of anything UNC related. I've passed people on the street when I've had Duke stuff on and they have UNC stuff and I make a face and they don't even recognize what's going on. I've tried to have resepctful rivalry conversations with people and been met with blank stares. I bring up Weber state and they really have no idea what I'm talking about. It's clear that UNC has been branded almost past any identification with the school or its tradition.

To be fair, though, I think the same is true of Duke. I worked at a Boys and Girls Club in Greenville, NC this summer, and a kid was wearing Duke shorts, and I asked him if he was a fan, and he sorta shrugged and said, "My mom gave them to me." And the kicker: "I'm actually an LSU fan."

Sorry, I know this is getting off-topic, but I have to share another funny conversation I had with a kid at the club.
Kid: So, you go to Duke, right?
Me: Yup.
Kid (wide-eyed): Do you know J.J. Redick?!
Me: No, not personally . . . (we talk about that a little bit) . . . Is he your favorite player?
Kid: Yeah, him and, uh, who's the guy who wears #21?
Me: Demarcus Nelson.
Kid: Yeah, I like them.
Me: So is Duke your favorite team?
Kid: No, UNC.
Me: ???!!!!

College basketball does create a "brand name," like you said. A lot of these kids had virtually no chance of going to Duke or UNC and knew very little about either one, but those names were virtually synonymous with their basketball teams, so they respected them.

allenmurray
03-02-2007, 07:56 PM
Remind them that they have lost both the games they have played since the News and Observer did a feature length article on all of the players getting pedicures.

boyce
03-03-2007, 11:13 AM
Well, made it through the day, and it was all very pleasant. The forum revolved around post-graduation prospects for UNC students, so their desire to antagonize a Duke alumni may have been rather muted, their job prospects being on the line. I don't see much ability to hire out-of-college employees in the next year at least, but they didn't need to know that.

The reply I had rehearsed was, "I refuse to take any more questions that do not involve computer science, business, or WOMEN'S BASKETBALL." With any luck, the women would have cheered that statement from a feminist perspective, only to realize that they were cheering for the Duke Women's team.

I was fine with the lack of basketball related abuse. What's that old Chinese proverb? "Without the kite, the wind cannot be seen; without the wind, the kite cannot be seen". (Which is to say, I doubt either program would be what it is, without the presence of such a powerful rival within artillery range.) Another thing that really takes the fun out of taunting the other is the current climate of college sports: Duke & UNC both know we're constantly an NBA draft away from mediocrity, depending on who decides what.

-Boyce