Funny Actual Quotes

[EarlJam]

It's 4:35 on the East Coast, which of course means it's time for...

FUNNY REAL QUOTES!

Please feel free to share some. Only qualification is that they must be actual quotes. C'mon! Let's laugh a little!

Here are some I got from an e-mail a while back...

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff." Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." "We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina


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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[hc5duke]

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." Jason Kidd, on joining the Dallas Mavericks.

[wilson]

Some of those are indeed pretty funny. In fairness to Mimi, however, the Mariah Carey one (about starving kids and being "skinny") is fake:

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/carey.asp

[hughgs]

I tell my 2 year old that if he's not careful I'll put the smack down on him, i.e. he'll be in trouble. When he thinks he'll be out of trouble he asks if I'll "take the smack off".

[BlueDevilBaby]

I was with my family at the beach house maybe two years ago now. My nephew had yet to establish a dominant hand. We were playing catch and he was throwing with both hands. So we tried to figure out if he's a lefty or righty. I said, "Tyler, what do you write with?" His answer - a crayon.

[CMS2478]

How about Obama's quote "I have visited 57 states with one more to go." Of course that is not counting Alaska or Hawaii so he really should have visited all 60 states. Shame on him!!!

[allenmurray]

My oldest son was in fifth grade. He had begun using a lot of contemporary slang, which, from a 10 year old, was more annoying than cute. His little brother (five years old) was imitating him, trying to use the same words.

We had the most wonderful beagle in the world. She was napping under the dining room table, as was her habit. My younger son was walking through the dining room on his way to the kitchen. He pauses, looks at Jingles the wonder-beagle, says, "Word to the home-dog" and continues walking.

I know it is always cuter when it is your own kid, but I still can't hear anybody say "word" or "home-dog" without cracking up.

[gus]

Some of those are indeed pretty funny. In fairness to Mimi, however, the Mariah Carey one (about starving kids and being "skinny") is fake:

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/carey.asp

Indeed, it appears that most of those quotes are either fake or Dan Quayle.

[bdh21]

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our Nation's history. I mean this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

-Dan Quayle

[Jfrosh]

We were visiting family in Alabama 4 years ago when my neice asked my then 5 year old daughter, "You for Auburn or Alabama." My daughter having a vauge notion of what was going on in the world answered, "We're for John Kerry."

[bdh21]

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

That's probably a misquote; Snopes attributes it to Al Jaffee.

[g_olaf]

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

That's probably a misquote;
Snopes attributes it to Al Jaffee.

Actually, it's a quote from Jefferson Davis in 1860, just prior to the onset of the civil war.

"If we don't secede, we run the risk of failure"

[JBDuke]

My favorite Dan Quayle quote:

Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.

[UVaAmbassador]

I submit two Shaq quotes:

"I'm like the Pythagorean Theorem. There is no answer." -Shaq "Actually, Shaq, its C squared." -Stuart Scott.

“Phil took us to the finals three out of the five years and you want to fire him and want to bring in Mike Krzyzewski? Come on, man. That’s like being married to J-Lo, then dropping J-Lo for a girl that’s 5-10, 480 (pounds).” -Shaq (Sorry guys, its just too good to ignore.)

[UVaAmbassador]

“Phil took us to the finals three out of the five years and you want to fire him and want to bring in Mike Krzyzewski? Come on, man. That’s like being married to J-Lo, then dropping J-Lo for a girl that’s 5-10, 480 (pounds).” -Shaq (Sorry guys, its just too good to ignore.)

Knew it wouldn't be popular. Didn't think it would kill the whole thread...

[blublood]

We were visiting family in Alabama 4 years ago when my neice asked my then 5 year old daughter, "You for Auburn or Alabama." My daughter having a vauge notion of what was going on in the world answered, "We're for John Kerry."

Oh my goodness! Two cultural gaffes in one...

One of my favorites was a few years ago at Christmas when one of my husband's little cousins was in her grandmother's rocking chair and was rocking back and forth as hard as she possibly could. Her mother asked her to stop before she hit the wall and she said in a tone of utter delight, "Mommy, this chair rocks!"