Transformers: Age of Extinction (early review)

[JasonEvans]

So, I saw the new Transformers film last night. I want to be clear that I did not like the previous three films. The first one was ok, the second was utterly incoherent, and the third was only marginally better than the second. Still, I went into last night's flick with a wee bit of excitement. There had been some moderately positive buzz about this film and I was excited for the cast (I like Mark Whalberg a ton more than Shia LeBeouf and am a big fan of just about everything Stanley Tucci does).

So, with all that in mind, I bring you the following verdict...

Blech!! Argh!! !#^@^!@&!%

It was terrible. I mean awful. The story makes the previous films look like Shakespeare by comparison. Things just happen for no discernible reason and storylines are dropped or picked up almost at random. There were no less than a dozen times where my 17-year-old son and I looked over at each other to ask what on Earth was going on. We couldn't even begin to piece together any logic to what was happening. It felt like there were about 7 different storylines happening at the same time and none of them really made any sense.



Among the most annoyingly stupid things about the film:

The main plot involves secret black-ops CIA teams taking down Autobots... actually, the main plot involves a Transformer bounty hunter who wants to capture Optimus Prime and take him back to the Transformers creators... no, wait, the main plot is really about an evil corporation that is building human made Transformers... either that or the central storyline surrounds the rebirth of Megatron... or maybe at the core of the film is the story of a sheltered daughter trying to make her overprotrective father see that she is grown up (this applies to both Whalberg and hottie Nicola Peltz as well as Optimus and Bumblebee)... or it could be an effort to save Beijing from being blown up by some kind of giant alien bomb which will allow the Deceptecons to be reborn... I forget which it was, but one of these is the main point of the film... I think.

It seems silly to bring it up, considering that the film is about sentient alien robots from outer space, but the picture's casual relationship with the laws of physics really bothered me. Human characters are tossed around in explosions, thrown across concrete streets, and generally pounded with all manner of physical harm and yet I don't think I saw a drop of blood on any of them.

At one point Mark Whalberg acquires an alien gun (it is quite large and shaped like a broadsword) that he starts blasting bad guys with. Then, for about 15-20 minutes of the film, he no longer has the gun. Suddenly, when he needs it again, the gun is back in his hands. There is no explanation for how or why this happened.

The human bad guys, led by Kelsey Grammer, have no logical motivations. For a while it seems like they are out to drive all aliens away from Earth, then it appears their motivation is money, and eventually they seem to just want to kill Whalberg and the good guys.

There is a prologue involving Transformers killing dinosaurs that I still don't understand. It seems like it comes up once or twice later in the film, but I really have no idea how it impacted the plot.

There is an absurd and offensive amount of product placement in the film. As if squeezing money out of us for IMAX 3D tickets were no enough... as if making a film about toys you sell is not enough... Michael Bay, Hasbro, and Paramount attempt to pepper virtually every scene with obviously paid-for product placement. I swear, at one point when Whalberg conspicuously drinks a Bud Light, I expected him to look at the camera and say, "mmmmm, that's delicious. Be sure to pick up a 6-pack at your local Kroger... and tell them Cade Yager sent you." Yes, his character's name is Cade Yager... it is almost like they tried to find a name that sounded as made-up as possible.

Ugh... I could go on and on, but it forces me to think more about this film and that only makes my head hurt. By the way, here is a pic of Whalbeg with his gun that disappears and shows up whenever he needs it.



It sucks. I mean it is just terrible. And are you ready for the best part?

THE FILM IS 2 HOURS AND 45 MINUTES LONG!!!!

You read that right! It is incredibly long for a basic sci-fi action flick. I think Michael Bay thought he was making Lord of the Rings (and this had about as many various plots happening as Return of the King did). I went and voided my bladder at one point and when I came back I asked my son what I had missed. His response, "I dunno. I can't tell what is going on to explain it to you. I don't think it matters. I think they designed the plot so you could take potty breaks and not miss anything that matters."

I would feel I had done you a disservice if I did not mention a few things mildly positive about this film. First of all, I felt like I knew and cared about the Transformers more in this flick than in past ones (one autobot, named Hound and voiced by John Goodman, is particularly well-done). I could tell what was going on in the action sequences much better in this flick than in earlier films where all the fast-moving CGI made it hard to tell one Transformer from the next. The acting was fairly good in this film -- Tucci especially has a good time going over the top and he is pretty funny in the back half of the film. And, of course, the CGI is very well done. Bay does not skimp on his special effects budget. Aside from that, it is just terrible. I was so eager for it to end, I did not bother to stick around to see if there was a post-credit scene. I always stick around for the post-credit scene... not this time. Get me outta here!!!

--Jason "the fact that this junk will make more in the first week or two than really smart sci-fi like Edge of Tomorrow will make in its entire run is just pathetic... a pox on anyone who pays to see this steaming pile of !#^!^!!" Evans

[JasonEvans]

Whew, if you think I hated the film, wait until you read this review (warning, it contains some salty language).

Even if the action scenes made any real sense they would be so overwhelming as to have no impact. There’s a sequence towards the end of the movie where the bad guys are dropping things on the heroes, and they drop at least four boats on them. When Stanley Tucci has a huge “HOLY !#^!!” reaction to a boat falling from the sky you wonder what he was paying attention to the last three times boats careened at them. It isn’t the only scene where boats get thrown around, by the way - it’s like Michael Bay saw the Pacific Rim boat-as-bat scene and wanted to @&#!~& it into oblivion. Also worth noting is that during the ‘dropping stuff’ action scene no less than two giant boat propellers almost cream the heroes, leading me to think that Bay simply threw in every single piece of pre-viz he was given, even alternate angles on the same action.

The review delves into some political stuff toward the end and I am not sure why it goes there,but the first 2/3rds of the review is spot on and more than a little bit funny.

-Jason "currently 15 fresh and 72 rotten reviews on Rotten Tomatoes (17%) and a 31 on Metacritic. That 31 ties it with Blended for the worst-reviewed movie currently in wide release" Evans

[bjornolf]

-Jason "currently 15 fresh and 72 rotten reviews on Rotten Tomatoes (17%) and a 31 on Metacritic. That 31 ties it with Blended for the worst-reviewed movie currently in wide release" Evans

I didn't realize Blended was that bad.

[CameronBornAndBred]

My favorite line from the reviews. (For some reason RT has it listed as a +, although if you read the review and see the crummy score the guy gives it, it is anything but. Maybe it because he compared it to The Godfather.)

Pretty much all the dialogue here sounds like this: “AKKKKKKflumpq[oihtnj/jvalj'jinokqrmBUDLIGHTjnvocickjldsaoi0u9qtu8erhnbe 90g49`p*^*&^&^%jknklklkmmklam"

http://www.movies.com/movie-reviews/...e-white/m68835

[bjornolf]

--Jason "the fact that this junk will make more in the first week or two than really smart sci-fi like Edge of Tomorrow will make in its entire run is just pathetic... a pox on anyone who pays to see this steaming pile of !#^!^!!" Evans

How Coulteresque of you.

[FerryFor50]

--Jason "the fact that this junk will make more in the first week or two than really smart sci-fi like Edge of Tomorrow will make in its entire run is just pathetic... a pox on anyone who pays to see this steaming pile of !#^!^!!" Evans

Tom Cruise is the reason Edge of Tomorrow and Oblivion did not do as well as they should have. He is a box office hindrance at this stage of his career.

Oh, and I gave up on the Transformers series about halfway through the second one.

[BlueDevilBrowns]

Oh, and I gave up on the Transformers series about halfway through the second one.

Yeah, the sad thing about the Transformers movies is they really are crap, which makes the average viewer think "The Transformers" as a franchise is crap, too.

The reality is "The Transformers" has the potential to be a pretty well-done movie franchise, if a producer/writer/director would have enough guts to truly follow the original mythology of the series, both TV and Comics. Now, it's true that the comics and tv storylines don't always jibe 100% but they're not so far off from each other that it couldn't be codified for a movie.

The biggest hurddle is eliminating all of the human participants that are currently being used in film versions.

What made "The Transformers" so much fun for kids was the fact that they weren't human at all, they are robots.

Nobody's favorite Transformer is Chip, Spike, or Sam Whitwhateverisnameis!

So, reduce the humans, add in more of the original Transformers from the comics and tv, make them visually different from each other so we know "who is who" along with having voices with personality(here's where you can use "Star Power" to sell the movie, btw).

The bottom line is a quality, adult Transformers movie can be made, it's just not likely, unfortunately.

[FerryFor50]

Yeah, the sad thing about the Transformers movies is they really are crap, which makes the average viewer think "The Transformers" as a franchise is crap, too.

The reality is "The Transformers" has the potential to be a pretty well-done movie franchise, if a producer/writer/director would have enough guts to truly follow the original mythology of the series, both TV and Comics. Now, it's true that the comics and tv storylines don't always jibe 100% but they're not so far off from each other that it couldn't be codified for a movie.

The biggest hurddle is eliminating all of the human participants that are currently being used in film versions.

What made "The Transformers" so much fun for kids was the fact that they weren't human at all, they are robots.

Nobody's favorite Transformer is Chip, Spike, or Sam Whitwhateverisnameis!

So, reduce the humans, add in more of the original Transformers from the comics and tv, make them visually different from each other so we know "who is who" along with having voices with personality(here's where you can use "Star Power" to sell the movie, btw).

The bottom line is a quality, adult Transformers movie can be made, it's just not likely, unfortunately.

I think there does need to be a human element for viewers to connect.

I think having a Sam Whitwicky type of character is fine, as kids can envision themselves in his position. I think having the human race fearful and tense about the alien robot race is good, too. You need an extra layer outside of robot vs robot.

The problem is the poor execution. It's all effects and hot chicks. It's as shallow as Michael Bay. But they make money, so that's why the same formula has been used over and over.

[bjornolf]

I think there does need to be a human element for viewers to connect.

I think having a Sam Whitwicky type of character is fine, as kids can envision themselves in his position. I think having the human race fearful and tense about the alien robot race is good, too. You need an extra layer outside of robot vs robot.

The problem is the poor execution. It's all effects and hot chicks. It's as shallow as Michael Bay. But they make money, so that's why the same formula has been used over and over.

In the great old cartoons and animated movies, it was always kids who had lost their parents to some action of the Decepticons that hung out with the transformers. Maybe they should do that.

[BlueDevilBrowns]

I think there does need to be a human element for viewers to connect.

I think having a Sam Whitwicky type of character is fine, as kids can envision themselves in his position. I think having the human race fearful and tense about the alien robot race is good, too. You need an extra layer outside of robot vs robot.

The problem is the poor execution. It's all effects and hot chicks. It's as shallow as Michael Bay. But they make money, so that's why the same formula has been used over and over.

True, a human element is necessary, but to a much lesser extent than they are in the current films.

I'd say the ratio of human to robot is 60/40 Human. It should be 75/25 Robot, imo.

And making bumblebee into "JarJar" made me wanna vomit.

The Transformers of the 80's was violent and fast-paced, filled with robots each with distinct characteristics and personalities based on individual origins.

The movie studios trying to "disney-fy" them is a mistake, imo. Not financially, of course, just artistically.