Today, Jokes

[knights68]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too

[captmojo]

This thread should never disappear.
Unless Lacrosse postings come up.

[knights68]

I agree!!

[TillyGalore]

Why didn't the melons get married?




Because they cantaloupe.

I made that up.

[captmojo]

Why didn't the melons get married?




Because they cantaloupe.

I made that up.

You can afford to be mighty proud of yourself.

I always thought I was the inventor of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

[captmojo]

You can afford to be mighty proud of yourself.

I always thought I was the inventor of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

No punch line needed as long as you have the word "crack whore".

[TillyGalore]

No punch line needed as long as you have the word "crack whore".

Sorry captmojo, I don't get this. Perhaps I haven't had enough coffee.

[knights68]

Capn,

"Crack Whore"??? WTF?!!!

[DevilAlumna]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

[captmojo]

Sorry captmojo, I don't get this. Perhaps I haven't had enough coffee.

Old Norm McDonald stand up line when he couldn't get a laugh.

[captmojo]

Everybody know personality types. Type "A", hyper, aggressive, go getter.
Type "B", calmer, slightly procrastinating.
Then there's type "C", totally laid back bordering on laziness. (me)


Lum and Abner were sitting in chairs up next to the street, one facing the street and the other turned 180 around.

A young lady walking down the street passes and says "Hi".

Lum says "Hi". Abner says "Howdy".

After she gets away, Abner asks,"Lum, was she pretty?"

Lum answers," Yes. She was quite attractive."

Abner says, "Darn. I sure wish I was turned the other way around."

[micah75]

A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over like 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarter back!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

[bhd28]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own da#@ blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he loudly passes gas.

[Udaman]

A guy who loved writing puns entered into a local pun contest for his local newspaper. Determined to win, he wrote down his ten best puns for submission.

A week later his wife asked him if any of his puns won the prize.

"No," he replied. "Unfortunately no pun in ten did."

[TillyGalore]

A guy who loved writing puns entered into a local pun contest for his local newspaper. Determined to win, he wrote down his ten best puns for submission.

A week later his wife asked him if any of his puns won the prize.

"No," he replied. "Unfortunately no pun in ten did."

GGGGGGGGGrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaannnnn nnnnnnnn!!

But I loved it anyway.

I have no idea why there is a space between two n's above. Hmmm.

[knights68]

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman standing behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children" as she walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE.. .during one of the wild parties he had been to when
he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store, caught up with her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

[Udaman]

What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhinoceros?


El if I know...

[Udaman]

A wealth man on his deathbed called his priest, doctor and lawyer. He told them he didn't want to give any money to his family and instead wanted to take it all with him. He gave each man an envelope with a million dollars inside and told them each to put the envelope into his casket upon his death.

Two weeks later at the funeral, all three men paid their last respects and slipped an envelope into the casket while nobody was watching.

Later at a gathering for family and friends, the priest, doctor and lawyer got together for a moment. At which point the priest broke down.

"Forgive me," he said, "I have sinned. My parish needed money for an orphanage, and took $100,000 from the envelope. I was for the greater good, but I feel such guilt for what I have done."

"Oh father, bless you," replied the doctor. "I took some money as well. We are building a center for abused children, and I put $250,000 of his money into it. I just couldn't bare to see it all go to waste."

At this point the lawyer stepped back, shaking his head in disgust. "I don't believe you two. This man called us in confidence and asked us to do his final wish. He trusted us. And you both betrayed him. You should feel ashamed. I'll have you know that I put a check in there for the entire $1,000,000."

[captmojo]

My sister in law was over yesterday to spend the night. The First Mate comes in the from the garden. Sis looks at her and asks,"You're sweaty. Where have you been?". First Mate replies,"Watering the garden."

Sis then asks,"What did you water it with?".

[TillyGalore]

My sister in law was over yesterday to spend the night. The First Mate comes in the from the garden. Sis looks at her and asks,"You're sweaty. Where have you been?". First Mate replies,"Watering the garden."

Sis then asks,"What did you water it with?".

Who is "First Mate"?