Today, Jokes

[knights68]

There once was a guy who just bought the most recent Porche model and decided to take it out on the open highway and she what she really had under the hood.
He was cruising along at about 110 mph and his sporty car caught up with another group of sporty cars speeding along the highway.

He thought he'd be safe in with the pack of speeding sports cars... until he saw the red lights of a state trooper in his mirror.

The Porche owner pulled over and ask the cop approached the window he asked the cop why he was pulled over and not any of the other cars.
The cop replied, "Ever been Fishing?"
To which the guy replied, "Yeah".
The cop retorted, "Ever catch them all?"

[greybeard]

Husband and wife, UNC grads, go to a party and meet a nice couple who it turns out are aliens. They agree to take the couple home and play switchies. When the male alien undresses, the UNC wife frowns, and indicates with her hands that it is a might, shall we say, short. The alien responds, "no problem, just tap my head with a knuckle and it will get longer." She did and it did. Same thing with the width, only this time it was a slap on his face that did the trick.

The next morning, the two pairs met in the kitchen. The woman asks her husband how it was for him. Great, the UNC guy responded, if only I could have gotten her to stop rapping me on the head and slapping my face.

[knights68]

It's Friday and the end of a long week for me.
So I appreciate this thread very much!
Let's keep this going, shall we? More jokes, we need more jokes!!!!

Top Ten Things I'd Rather Be Doing Right Now


Watching the girlfriend Knitting a sweater, while watching tv and enjoying a brewski. Aahhhh, thats the life!

Responding to all of EarlJam's postings

Promoting my new line of bug jewelry on QVC

Horse play

Just chillin in my cube at work with just my shorts and a nice refreshing beverage.

Ditching work and catching the matinee of "Live Free or Die Hard"

Wasting time at work... oh wait... I already do that!

Lecturing teens on the dangers of online bulletin boards, especially if they root for the other state team!

Enjoying a chuckle over "FARK.com"

Quietly sleeping, like my bosses

[knights68]

To those who may be offended with the following... please do not read the following and you wont be offended!!



After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb a! nd put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

( you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.

[EarlJam]

Q: Why won't cannibals eat clowns?


A: They taste funny.

[greybeard]

guy drives up to the gas pump in his new Cadie and says fill 'er up. Reaches in his pocket to pay the guy, and two golf tees fall on the seat. Babe sitting next to him asks, "What are they for? Guy replies, "They are to hold my $@##s when I drive." Babe replies, "What'll the Cadillac people think of next."

grey "I'll never make it in stand up" beard

[knights68]

Number 10:
When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."

Number 9:
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

Number 8:
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
Number 7:
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

Number 6:
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Number 5:
Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

Number 4:
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

Number 3:
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

Number 2:
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

And first and foremost:
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

[Lavabe]

Number 3:
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

Classic Seinfeld:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hllDWSbuDsQ

This topic should be its own thread!

Cheers,
Lavabe

[captmojo]

Two guys walking in the woods come upon a hole in the ground 6 feet in diameter. They peer over the edge and can't see bottom.
Bubba says "Jim Ed, grab that dead tree limb and throw it in and we'll see how long it takes to hit bottom." Jim Ed responds to Bubba's request and both men hear nothing.
Next, the two decide to toss an old stump in and achieve the same result. No repeat sound his heard.
Bubba spies an 8ft section of railroad track laying nearby and suggests that it should be next. So it is done.
While the two are standing by listening, a large red goat flies by and leaps down the hole. The pair look at each other and scratch their heads.
A farmer runs up next and asks the guys if they have seen his goat. Bubba sadly explains that the poor animal had just dove to his certain death.
The puzzled farmer says, " That's weird. I had him tied up to an 8ft section of railroad track.


no animals were harmed in the telling of this joke

not counting the readers

[captmojo]

The highway patrol was at work on the ground catching speed criminals with a whirlybird skyward controlling the radar.
An old man traveling down the road is reported to the ground force to be moving at 80mph, so the patrolmen stop him.
The patrolman asks the man why he's driving so fast and the man says he's only trying to keep up with traffic.
The patrolman looks around and tells him, "You're the only one on the road.".
The man says, "That's why I'm so far behind.".
The patrolman never mentions the chopper but says, "The big man up there says you were doing 80mph.".
The man admits, "Well, I've been a minister for 50 years and if he says that , I've got to believe it.".

[dukemomLA]

What does a UNC grad say at his job upon graduation?

"Do you want fries with that?"

[dukemomLA]

Jesus has been nailed to the cross with Mary weeping at his feet. He tries to take a breath and says, "Mary, I want to see Peter."

Mary complies and runs hill and dale, hill and dale to knock on Peter's door. Peter opens the door, and Mary says, "Jesus wants to see you! Hurry!"

So together they run hill and dale, hill and dale to arrive at the cross. Peter looks up at Jesus and says, "What do need of me Lord?"

And with his dying breath, Jesus says, "Peter. I can see your house from here!"

[Ima Facultiwyfe]

These ideas are great. My daughter had a great one she always used to use. She would call her two-year-old to the phone since he LOVED to talk on the phone and rarely got calls!

[Indoor66]

These ideas are great. My daughter had a great one she always used to use. She would call her two-year-old to the phone since he LOVED to talk on the phone and rarely got calls!

That two-year-old needs to expand his circle of friends so that he can get more phone calls! lol

[knights68]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[EarlJam]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

This is a very good joke!

[EarlJam]

So this man is sitting in his reclyner, watching TV and having a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

Knock, knock, knock.

Slowly, and mildly frustrated, he gets up and saunters over to the door and opens it. He sees a small snail, who is wearing a nice hat and is carrying a suitcase.

Says the snail, "Hi. How are you today? Well, I hope. Sir, did you know that today there are more than 23 million Americans who greatly lack adequate coverage through insurance? In fact..."

The man, aggrevated, bends down, picks up the small snail and hurls him as far as he can across the yard.

Three years goes by.

The same man is sitting in his reclyner, watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

Knock, knock, knock.

Slowly, the man gets up, walks by his new born son and opens the front door.

There in front of him, on the porch is the same snail, breathing heavy, sweating, and pissed.

The snail looks at him and says, "You Mother F@(ker!"

-EarlJam

[captmojo]

So this man is sitting in his reclyner, watching TV and having a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

Knock, knock, knock.

Slowly, and mildly frustrated, he gets up and saunters over to the door and opens it. He sees a small snail, who is wearing a nice hat and is carrying a suitcase.

Says the snail, "Hi. How are you today? Well I hope. Sir, did you know that today there are more than 23 million Americans who greatly lack adequate coverage through insurance? In fact..."

The man, aggrevated, bends down, picks up the small snail and hurls him as far as he can across the yard.

Three years goes by.

The same man is sitting in his reclyner, watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

Knock, knock, knock.

Slowly, the man gets up, walks by his new born son and opens the front door.

There in front of him, on the porch is the same snail, breathing heavy, sweating, and pissed.

The snail looks at him and says, "You Mother F@(ker!"

-EarlJam

That critter's been following me all day!

[knights68]

This is a very good joke!

Thanks Earl! I liked the snail one you posted as well. It's a belly shaker!

[knights68]

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."