Today, Jokes

[DukieInKansas]

One Benefit of High Petrol Prices



A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."




And you might have thought that I wouldn't have de Gaulle to post this!

[Bob Green]

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a
large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat
mate.

Hey, says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it
snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up
the aisle again. "Hey, you lazy public servant, where's my whiskey? Hurry it
up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly
with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some
quick service for him. "Hey," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And
don't drag your lazy butt - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In
moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight
attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the
emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man,

"Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you sure are mouthy...."

[Jarhead]

Osama Bin Laden dies and finds himself in Heaven. St. Peter tells him that he must go through the check in procedure, starting with the interviews.

An angel takes him to his first interview, with George Washington. George starts out by punching him in the face, kicking him in the groin, pushing him to the floor, and stomping on his chest.

He is then taken to Thomas Jefferson who pulls him down by his beard and knees him on the chin, then almost twists his head off before pulling off an ear.

He is then taken to James Madison who strikes him over the head with an ax, then knocks his legs out from under him, and pushes him under a bus.

Osama is puzzled by this treatment and goes back to St. Peter to ask, "Why am being treated this way? I have always been told that I would be going to heaven where I would get 72 virgins, and..."

St Peter interrupts and says, "Oh, I am sorry, Osama. You are confused. What you get is 72 Virginians."

[knights68]

Two guys went fishing, and found an excellent spot. One guy has a bright idea and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat. The other guy says, "You're stupid. What if we come back and don't get the same boat?"

[The Gordog]

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis, I mean, ladder.

[knights68]

Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist."

[Johnboy]

Guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and wakes his wife up, saying "This is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache." His wife says "That's not a pig, it's a sheep." The guy says "I was talking to the sheep."


Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything."

[onepresent]

Recently seen bumper sticker...

"At least the war on the environment is going well."

[dukemomLA]

Jesus and Moses were playing golf. On the sixth hole Jesus pulled out a 3 iron off the tee. Moses said, "You can't get it there with a 3 iron." Jesus continued his swing -- and it landed in the water hazard. Moses said, "See, you idiot."

Jesus walked out across the water to retrieve his ball.

The foursome coming up behind them remarked to Moses, "See that guy!! Who does he think he is?!!? Jesus Christ?!"

Moses replied, "nah, he thinks he's Tiger Woods."

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Great joke, but as someone told me after I forwarded it to him, the twist originally came out in the summer of '59 but it was the summer of '60 when future Duke dad Chubby Checker had his monster hit! Here's a link to support my "facts" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Twist_(song)

Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist."

[MarineTwinsDad]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Windsor]

and along the same lines as the previous joke:

A shepard is tending his flock one day, when a man in a Jeep Cherokee arrives, gets out of the car, and says to the shepard, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, can I have one?"
"Sure", says the shepard.
The man whips out his laptop, connects it to his cell phone, surfs to a NASA site, calls up GPS, scans the area, opens a database and 60 excel spreadsheets with complex formulae. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his mini-printer, turns to the shepard and says, "You have exactly 1,685 sheep."
"That's correct, and as agreed you can have one of the sheep", says the shepard. He watches as the man makes his selection and lifts it into the Jeep.Then he asks, "If I can tell you exactly what your occupation is, can I have my property back?"
"Sure", says the man.
"You're a Consultant", says the shepard.
"That's right, how did you guess?" asks the man.
"Easy" answers the shepard, "You show up here, although nobody invited you. You want to be paid for an answer to a question I never asked. You give me information that I already know, and, most importantly, you don't know anything at all about my business, now can I have my dog back?

[hc5duke]

A group of Osama Bin Laden's Taliban soldiers were marching down a track in Afghanistan when they heard an American voice call out from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Taliban!"

Bin Laden quickly dispatched ten of his finest soldiers over the sand dune, where there was a fierce gun battle, followed by silence. An American voice then called out, "One Marine is better than 100 Taliban!"

The furious Bin Laden immediately sent his next best 100 troops over the dune. A battle raged for ten minutes, followed by silence. An American voice then called out: "One Marine is better than 1,000 Taliban!"

Enraged, Bin Laden mustered 1,000 fighters and sent them over the dune. There was a huge batle, lasting for more than an hour, followed by silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawled back over the dune and with his dying words told Bin Laden: "Don't send any more. It's a trap. There's actually two of them."

---
I've been told that this is not a true Marine joke since it doesn't make fun of the Navy

[DevilBen02]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[mapei]

Two peanuts walk into a bar. It looks like trouble.

One was a salted.

[EarlJam]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing, except two thin layers of Saran Wrap wrapped around where his underwear should be.

Said the psychiatrist: "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."

-Earljam

[The Gordog]

A few you can tell your kids (if you have little ones):

What is the sound of a flying lion?
An uproar.

Did you hear about the 2 kangaroos? They got married and lived hoppily ever after.

2 drums and and snare fall off a cliff.... Ba-dum-kisshhh.

[captmojo]

Why does the ocean "roar"?

You would too if you had crabs in your bed.

I just got summonsed for federal jury duty.

[Johnboy]

They ended up in a tie.

Dr. Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding. The cop asks: "Hey buddy, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "I know how fast I was going, but I've no idea where I am."

[onepresent]

Two more for the kiddies...

1) What's brown and sticky?

2) What's blue and smells like red paint?







answers:

a stick
blue paint