Today, Jokes

[jaytoc]

Gorilla walks into a bar, orders a scotch on the rocks.

When the gorilla asks how much he owes, bartender thinks he can take advantage of the dumb animal, charges him $25.00. Gorilla reaches into his fur and hands over the money without comment or complaint.

After depositing the cash in the register, the bartender is hit with a pang of guilt because he knows he took advantage, and decides to try to make things better by engaging the beast in conversation. He turns to the gorilla and tries to get the ball rolling with, "Gee, we don't get many gorillas in here."

Gorilla replies, "At these prices, I'm not surprised!"

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Female shoe says "No big loss, he was a real heel."

A carolina joke! I love it!

[captmojo]

My wife drove me to drink.

I lost my license and it's too far to walk to the liquor store.

[captmojo]

They don't serve cold drinks on campus at Carolina anymore.

The guy with the recipe for ice graduated.

[A-Tex Devil]

Patrick Davidson/Jack Bauer/Chuck Norris went on a visit to the Virgin Islands....





.... now they are just the Islands.


pudda rump bump bump

[DevilAlumna]

What does the N stand for on the UNC helmet? Nowledge.

How can you tell when a UNC grad's been using the computer? Whiteout on the screen.

Officials from UNC-CH just announced today that they found the body of the winner of the 1998 Hide-and-Seek contest.

What's the best way to get a UNC Grad off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

[DevilAlumna]

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

[EarlJam]

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

I love this joke!

[Cavlaw]

A man walks into a bar and sees a dog curled up in the corner licking itself. "Wow, I wish I could do that," says the man.

The bartender replies "You better try just petting him first."

[TillyGalore]

Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says: "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says...


(Does ANYONE know the rest of that joke?)

I give, what's the punch line?

[hc5duke]

I give, what's the punch line?

Since I never saw the movie I cheated and googled it - it's from the Breakfast Club, and there is no punch line.

Bender: Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says...
[the ceiling gives way]
Bender: Oh, %excrement%.

[TillyGalore]

Do I feel old and out of touch? I have never seen that movie start to finish in one sitting, not do I have a strong urge to.

Thanks hc5duke for showing me the light.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

A man walks into a bar and sees a dog curled up in the corner licking itself. "Wow, I wish I could do that," says the man.

The bartender replies "see below"

He'll bite you...

[Cavlaw]

He'll bite you...

Or perhaps; "Good luck; he's only had one drink."

[DevilAlumna]

Since I never saw the movie I cheated and googled it - it's from the Breakfast Club, and there is no punch line.

I've NEVER come across anyone who could even make up a decent punchline either. (No offense, EarlJam...)

Seriously, it's bothered me since the mid 80's -- is there an actual end to the joke, or were the BC writers just screwing with my head?

[Channing]

the only jokes I know are lawyer jokes, and I dont tell those any more because lawyers dont think they're funny and non-lawyers think they're true.

[billybreen]

Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says: "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says...


(Does ANYONE know the rest of that joke?)

From the movie that taught me, as an impressionable youth, that smoking The Pot gives you super strength to shatter library windows with a yell.

"So it's sorta social. Demented and sad, but social."

Bravo, DA. Bravo.

[billybreen]

I've NEVER come across anyone who could even make up a decent punchline either. (No offense, EarlJam...)

Seriously, it's bothered me since the mid 80's -- is there an actual end to the joke, or were the BC writers just screwing with my head?

That's what I love about it. It's like Hamlet's 'antic disposition' or, more recently, the gold in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction: an open-ended treasure for scholars to debate through the ages, transcending art to become a lens back into those who would seek to explain it.

That's all. I ran out of pretentious faux intellectual drivel.

[dukemomLA]

This is the WEIRDEST thread I have EVER seen on this site. But then again, since I'm weird myself, it's kinda fun. Maybe I should start a thread about great golf jokes. (Jesus and Moses were playing golf....)

[Bob Green]

A man was standing in line at the grocery store with a bag of dog food in his hand when the woman behind him asked, "So you have a dog?"

The man: "No. I'm back on the dog food diet."
The woman: "I've never heard of that diet."
The man: "You place a hand full of these nuggets in your pocket and nibble on them whenever you feel hungry. The last time I was on this diet I lost 25 pounds before I woke up in the hospital with tubes and probes attached all over my body."
The woman: "Oh my, were you poisoned by the dog food?"
The man: "No. I was sitting in the middle of the street licking myself when a truck ran me over. OF COURSE I HAVE A DOG!"

Bob Green
Yokosuka, Japan