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Thread: Dear Duke Abby:

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Atlanta, GA (Buckhead)
    Quote Originally Posted by allenmurray View Post
    It doesn't matter if they think it is exclusive or not. The simple fact that you yourself are uncomfortable with this, are worried about what each of them will think when they "find out", should be enough to tell you that you have to be honest with them regarless of the consequences. Anytime we find ourselves "hiding" something from someone we care about it is time to change our behavior.
    This is a very good point, thanks.

    -Dan

  2. #22

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Clearwater, FL
    allenmurray makes a very good point. If you feel guilty then perhaps its time to have a conversation with the each of ladies. . I would offer this (rather obvious) advice: the nature of the human animal is want details - and in this circumstance the less 'A' knows about 'B' and vica versa the better. Stick to the barebones facts! Please, no phone calls, no e-mails - this is a face to face issue.
    I would start by telling her that you enjoy her company that the relationship has progressed to a point that you feel the need to be honest with her. I would move immediatley to disclosing that you started dating someone else about the same time as I started dating her. Tell her you wanted her to know that you are still seeing her as well. No rational person would expect you to clear you dance card for the privelege of a first date with them. Stress that you wish be honest and not feel like you are sneaking around. If you are not ready for the 'next level' say so. Again, any rational person would understand if you were somewhat hesitant to jump back into the frying pan. Do not answer any specific questions about the other woman. Repeat DO NOT answer any specific questions about the other woman. Any information beyond her existance is too much information.
    Expect a knee jerk reaction that is not positive! Anger, tears, and nastiness would not be unexpected. Do not engage in this behavior. A simple "I'm sorry you feel that way but I felt it was important that you know" is all you need and leave it at that. Do not justify your actions, as you have nothing here to apologize for! If you very lucky you might actually get appreciation for your candor (if you do, propose marriage immediately! ) You may get a very rational 'well, if we are going to continue to see each other it needs to be an exculsive relationship' in which case you need to respect that and tell her you understand and you'll time to consider whether or not your are ready for that step.
    If you get a case of the uglies give her time to calm down and rationally process the information (hence the do not engage advice) as more likely than not after thinking if over she may well calm down and see the situation differently.
    Good luck (with whichever path you take)

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Boston area, OK, Newton, right by Heartbreak Hill
    Quote Originally Posted by Windsor View Post
    Expect a knee jerk reaction that is not positive! Anger, tears, and nastiness would not be unexpected.
    Oh c'mon, let's give these women some credit. These relationships haven't been going on for that long and who knows if EarlJam is the only guy they are seeing. Long talks may not even be necessary. Seriously. Way back in my single days, when a guy started to give me the "I'm not ready for anything serious yet" or whatever name you boys give that talk, after only a few dates, I usually wanted to laugh in their face and say "What makes you think I want to be serious with you?" However, I tried very hard to be respectful and listen. But I'd usually cross that guy off my list fairly soon just for assuming way to much.

    Maybe a simple, "Do we need to talk about where things stand?" is enough. If the woman says no, well then, you don't need to have a talk at all.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Clearwater, FL
    Quote Originally Posted by Bostondevil View Post
    Oh c'mon, let's give these women some credit.
    I am..that's why I said 'knee jerk'. Without information to the contrary I will bet the rent that each lady believes she is the only one he's seeing. Given that, a knee jerk is normal...and, by definition, will pass and be replace by rational thought.

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Boston area, OK, Newton, right by Heartbreak Hill
    Are you the only guy these women are seeing EarlJam? Do you know that? Do you want to?

    Advice from the distaff side, like I said before, don't assume too much.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Hot'Lanta... home of the Falcons!
    Quote Originally Posted by Reisen View Post
    I'd much rather the fat rocking dude to the pancake bunny.



    -Jason "I fully expect this thread to someday contain an update on what happened to Earl's love life" Evans

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Asheville, NC
    EarlJam, why do you need either one? Do you have relatives that can help you while you are recovering? Are you using a relationship as a crutch (no pun intended)? I wouldn't be in a rush to get serious given your recent history. I'm sure you are in need of companionship. We all are. How about sticking this out on your own or with your immediate family? That is if you have any. I don't know your family situation.

    Be honest with both but don't look to use either one as a pacifier while you recover. Take a break. Which ever one is still around after you focus on your healing then that will give you an idea of what relationship is worth continuing. If both are still around feel good that you have two fine women in your life. Then you are back to square one.

    I’m just trying to give you a different option. Why not focus on healing yourself physically and emotionally? You’ll be a better man for it.

    No charge,

    Chard

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Chesapeake, VA.
    My advice?


    Stand in front of a mirror. Look yourself square in the eyes. Repeat to yourself, "I am an idiot, I am an idiot" over and over until it sinks in.



    Repeat as necessary.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Quote Originally Posted by rthomas View Post
    Can you say "threesome"?
    You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe it's ménage à trois...

    But I wouldn't recommend it. You'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and you'd need a new bedspread and new curtains. You'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting...

  11. #31
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Hot'Lanta... home of the Falcons!
    Quote Originally Posted by gus View Post
    You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe it's ménage à trois...

    But I wouldn't recommend it. You'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and you'd need a new bedspread and new curtains. You'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting...
    Great Seinfeld episode!!

  12. #32
    I was wondering how long it would take for this thread to come to that reference.
    "Have you ever successfully executed the roommate switch?"
    "It can't be done."
    "There can BE only one."

  13. #33
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Seattle, WA

    Good luck!

    Quote Originally Posted by EarlJam View Post
    Last week, I ruptured my achilles tendon and I have to have surgery Tuesday. I will then be basically bed-ridden for more than two weeks.
    If I did the math right, I believe you're headed under the knife tomorrow. Good luck, and best wishes for a speedy recovery!

  14. #34
    Quote Originally Posted by Bostondevil View Post
    Oh c'mon, let's give these women some credit.
    Bostondevil, there are some women out there (before you call me sexist I am a woman too) who would give the knee jerk reaction described in a previous post.

    EarlJam, good luck with the surgery. I have no advice to offer that is any better than what was offered above. I'll echo what someone else said, be honest with them and your feelings. I liked the coin toss suggestion.

    Best of luck!!!

    P.S. I can't stop singing that Meatloaf song in a previous post.

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