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Thread: Dear Duke Abby:

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Atlanta, GA (Buckhead)

    Dear Duke Abby:

    I have never cheated on a girl in my life. I am 38. After 7 years of marriage, I divorced 1.5 years ago. She cheated on me, twice. Then, I jumped right into a relationship with a long-time friend. We dated for a year before going through a horrible break up. I took four months off, not dating anyone. Then, about a month ago, I began dating again. I met many women. I am not used to dating different people at once and the whole thing is new to me. In short, I don't really know what I'm doing. Now, I face...........a conundrum.

    There are two women that I have gone out with regularly for about 1.5 months now. We will call them Mandy and Julie. I didn't mean for it to happen this way, but the next thing I know, the innocent dating of many turned into something a little more substantial with both Mandy and Julie. They are the only ones I am seeing. They both recently expressed to me that they'd like to continue seeing me. I feel the same way about them. But I do not want to cheat. I just won't do it.

    Last week, I ruptured my achilles tendon and I have to have surgery Tuesday. I will then be basically bed-ridden for more than two weeks. Both Mandy and Julie have told me, "I'll be there for you. I will take care of you!"

    Uh-Oh. See my problem?

    I'm not a bad guy and I want to do the right thing. But I'm new to dating and am unsure how to handle this. I like both girls for different reasons.

    Anyone have any thoughts? Advice? I feel like I'm living a sitcom, and one way or another, the fecal matter is about to hit the fan.

    -EarlJam

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by EarlJam View Post
    I have never cheated on a girl in my life. I am 38. After 7 years of marriage, I divorced 1.5 years ago. She cheated on me, twice. Then, I jumped right into a relationship with a long-time friend. We dated for a year before going through a horrible break up. I took four months off, not dating anyone. Then, about a month ago, I began dating again. I met many women. I am not used to dating different people at once and the whole thing is new to me. In short, I don't really know what I'm doing. Now, I face...........a conundrum.

    There are two women that I have gone out with regularly for about 1.5 months now. We will call them Mandy and Julie. I didn't mean for it to happen this way, but the next thing I know, the innocent dating of many turned into something a little more substantial with both Mandy and Julie. They are the only ones I am seeing. They both recently expressed to me that they'd like to continue seeing me. I feel the same way about them. But I do not want to cheat. I just won't do it.

    Last week, I ruptured my achilles tendon and I have to have surgery Tuesday. I will then be basically bed-ridden for more than two weeks. Both Mandy and Julie have told me, "I'll be there for you. I will take care of you!"

    Uh-Oh. See my problem?

    I'm not a bad guy and I want to do the right thing. But I'm new to dating and am unsure how to handle this. I like both girls for different reasons.

    Anyone have any thoughts? Advice? I feel like I'm living a sitcom, and one way or another, the fecal matter is about to hit the fan.

    -EarlJam

    Get Single & stay there.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Washington, DC
    My first instinct would be to keep the good thing going as long as possible. In your case, this would be dating both women for as long as you need to make up your mind and choose one or the other. To this end, I would suggest making up an excuse to both women where Mandy takes care of you for one week and Julie takes care of you for other. This, however, is probably horrible advice and the women on this board will probably concur.

    The traditional advice would be to be honest with both women and hope one of them sticks. It's not fair to either of them or you and if the relationship is "worth it" or even if its not, whatever happens is probably for the best.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Goldsboro, NC

    Nahhhhh....

    Quote Originally Posted by Dukerati View Post
    My first instinct would be to keep the good thing going as long as possible. In your case, this would be dating both women for as long as you need to make up your mind and choose one or the other. To this end, I would suggest making up an excuse to both women where Mandy takes care of you for one week and Julie takes care of you for other. This, however, is probably horrible advice and the women on this board will probably concur.

    The traditional advice would be to be honest with both women and hope one of them sticks. It's not fair to either of them or you and if the relationship is "worth it" or even if its not, whatever happens is probably for the best.
    I wouldn't recommend dating two women at once. It never works on TV and it is even more likely not to work in real life.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Atlanta, GA (Buckhead)

    Three's Company

    I feel like Jack Tripper.

    How in the hell did this become.....this?

    -EarlJam

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Dukerati View Post
    My first instinct would be to keep the good thing going as long as possible. In your case, this would be dating both women for as long as you need to make up your mind and choose one or the other. To this end, I would suggest making up an excuse to both women where Mandy takes care of you for one week and Julie takes care of you for other. This, however, is probably horrible advice and the women on this board will probably concur.

    The traditional advice would be to be honest with both women and hope one of them sticks. It's not fair to either of them or you and if the relationship is "worth it" or even if its not, whatever happens is probably for the best.

    A) Yes, as a woman on the board, I agree that this is horrible advice.

    B) No, my advice is not to be honest with both women and hope one of them sticks. Unless you've agreed with either or both of them that you'd be exclusive, you haven't done anything wrong. BUT, dating at 38 is different than in your twenties. A month and a half in it's time to decide. You need to make a choice. Personally, I say go with Mandy (it has NOTHING to do with the fact that that's my name...nothing I tell you). I don't buy that you really feel exactly the same about the both of them. You need to really think about it. If it turns out you do, maybe neither is right for you. I wouldn't want to be with a guy who feels like it's six of one, half dozen of another if he was with me or somebody else.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by ajtrublu View Post
    Personally, I say go with Mandy (it has NOTHING to do with the fact that that's my name...nothing I tell you).
    I don't suppose a guy you're dating recently suffered a ruptured achilles tendon?

  8. #8

    The only way you can survive...

    Can you say "threesome"?

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Atlanta, GA (Buckhead)
    Quote Originally Posted by rthomas View Post
    Can you say "threesome"?
    You are the second person to suggest that. A friend of mine hinted in that direction as well. It may be worth a try. Yes....yes,........yes, I will do it. But with my ruptured Achilles tendon, I'll just have to lay there and let the ladies do all the work (said in Ladies Man tone of voice). This is sounding better and better by the minute. Thanks!

    -EarlJam

    **Disclaimer - EarlJam is only joking with the above response. EarlJam greatly respects all women and would never participate in the above activity no the basis of principle alone....unless, of course, both the women just really, really, really wanted to do it. Then, I would be compelled to make a "sacrifice."

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Goldsboro, NC
    Quote Originally Posted by EarlJam View Post
    You are the second person to suggest that. A friend of mine hinted in that direction as well. It may be worth a try. Yes....yes,........yes, I will do it. But with my ruptured Achilles tendon, I'll just have to lay there and let the ladies do all the work (said in Ladies Man tone of voice). This is sounding better and better by the minute. Thanks!

    -EarlJam

    **Disclaimer - EarlJam is only joking with the above response. EarlJam greatly respects all women and would never participate in the above activity no the basis of principle alone....unless, of course, both the women just really, really, really wanted to do it. Then, I would be compelled to make a "sacrifice."
    This thread is quickly becoming "R" rated.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Lexington, KY

    Silly me...

    When I saw the title of this thread, I thought it was going to be about women's basketball!

    Never mind!

    Cheers,
    Lavabe

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Key West, FL

    Try telling them you're "The Bachelor"

    Hey, there's another Duke man on national television these days, and he was at one time dating 12 or so women at once, and they all knew it. The secret seems to be that after a date or two he presents some -- not all, just some -- of them with longstem roses. No rose means, "It's been nice knowing you. See ya!" In any event, these women seem so motivated to get a rose that they hang on. Maybe good florists are hard to find.

    So, to make The Bachelor's experience work for you: First, get a female friend to pose as Woman #3, and bring Mandy, Julie and Woman #3 together. Say that you've enjoyed dating all of them, and that this has been a very hard decision to make, but it's time to make one. Have two, and only two, longstem roses on display. As each of Mandy and Julie if they will accept a rose and continue to see you. Have Woman #3 pretend to be disappointed. Mandy and Julie will be thrilled and will tolerate you dating both of them at least for another week.

    Good luck!
    No soup for you!

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Atlanta, GA (Buckhead)
    Quote Originally Posted by AtlBluRew View Post
    Hey, there's another Duke man on national television these days, and he was at one time dating 12 or so women at once, and they all knew it. The secret seems to be that after a date or two he presents some -- not all, just some -- of them with longstem roses. No rose means, "It's been nice knowing you. See ya!" In any event, these women seem so motivated to get a rose that they hang on. Maybe good florists are hard to find.

    So, to make The Bachelor's experience work for you: First, get a female friend to pose as Woman #3, and bring Mandy, Julie and Woman #3 together. Say that you've enjoyed dating all of them, and that this has been a very hard decision to make, but it's time to make one. Have two, and only two, longstem roses on display. As each of Mandy and Julie if they will accept a rose and continue to see you. Have Woman #3 pretend to be disappointed. Mandy and Julie will be thrilled and will tolerate you dating both of them at least for another week.

    Good luck!
    I will not do this.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Clearwater, FL
    Two cents from another woman on the list...

    1) I agree with (the list's) Mandy...unless there has been the 'this is an exclusive relationship' conversation you are in the clear on the 'cheating' front. Really. Will they be pleased to know you're dating someone else? Probably not...but under the circumstances you've described I would think it wouldn't be a deal breaker for either of them. On that subject...how sure are you that one or both of the ladies isn't also seeing someone else?

    2) In the near term in order to take one of these relationships to the next level you are going to have to give up the other. Is 1 1/2 months enough time? I don't know. It depends how often you are seeing each of them and what level the relationships have gotten to.

    3) With your surgery coming up its going to be very hard to keep them from running into each other unless you thank them for their care/concern and offers of help and then either decline or schedule limitted time with both of them (sexist comment ahead: use the ' i am a miserable baby when I am sick and I want to be alone' you are male, they will believe it - LOL)

    There is always the coin toss method...never mind the head or tails part...when you toss a coin as soon as its in the air you *know* which way you want it to land.

    Good Luck

  15. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by Windsor View Post
    There is always the coin toss method...never mind the head or tails part...when you toss a coin as soon as its in the air you *know* which way you want it to land.
    Perfectly put! I attempted to make that point, but much, much more clumsily.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Hot'Lanta... home of sports teams that disappoint in the playoffs
    Quote Originally Posted by AtlBluRew View Post
    Hey, there's another Duke man on national television these days, and he was at one time dating 12 or so women at once, and they all knew it. The secret seems to be that after a date or two he presents some -- not all, just some -- of them with longstem roses. No rose means, "It's been nice knowing you. See ya!" In any event, these women seem so motivated to get a rose that they hang on. Maybe good florists are hard to find.

    So, to make The Bachelor's experience work for you: First, get a female friend to pose as Woman #3, and bring Mandy, Julie and Woman #3 together. Say that you've enjoyed dating all of them, and that this has been a very hard decision to make, but it's time to make one. Have two, and only two, longstem roses on display. As each of Mandy and Julie if they will accept a rose and continue to see you. Have Woman #3 pretend to be disappointed. Mandy and Julie will be thrilled and will tolerate you dating both of them at least for another week.

    Good luck!
    I am not sure if this is the most insulting or most brilliant thing I have read all day.

    All I can say is that if you do this-- you better have a camera rolling so we can all see the video.

    -Jason "there's a really bad college sex movie called Threesome with Stephen Baldwin, Laura Flynn Boyle, and Josh Charles-- it would be worth watching with your ladies if it was not about 2 guys and one girl" Evans

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Atlanta, GA (Buckhead)
    Quote Originally Posted by JasonEvans View Post
    I am not sure if this is the most insulting or most brilliant thing I have read all day.

    All I can say is that if you do this-- you better have a camera rolling so we can all see the video.

    -Jason "there's a really bad college sex movie called Threesome with Stephen Baldwin, Laura Flynn Boyle, and Josh Charles-- it would be worth watching with your ladies if it was not about 2 guys and one girl" Evans
    Jason,

    I will do anything for love. I will do ANYTHING for love. I will do an-y-thing for love.........but I won't do that. No no, no I won't do that.

    -EarlJamloaf

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Durham, NC
    EarlJam -

    To clarify, do either of them think this is exclusive? Because if not, then this is a slightly different problem. Instead of trying to figure out if/how to juggle, this becomes a question of "Do I want to have a 'big relationship conversation'?"

    In this case, the issue becomes whether a simple "I am dating someone else, too" conversation becomes the dreaded "How serious are we?" which too quickly degrades into the "are we getting married?" conversation, which I assume you are no inclined to participate in (Because none of us are inclined to that, really.)

    So, how to have the conversation of relationship status without escalating to serious relationship status? I'm not sure you can. So, I would fall back on the multiple avoidance strategies suggested earlier in the thread.
    Edit: Okay, some more mature responses to the relationship status conversation: just because you don't have it doesn't mean that it is not a real topic that is necessary. I say, tell them both that you are seeing someone else and let it fall out as it will. Unless you think one of them is serious marrying potential - assuming that is still interesting to you. Then dump the other. Given your history, my guess is that moving into a single, exclusive relationship right now is not your ideal situation. So tell them both. Avoiding just ups the ante and the likelihood you get 'caught' and you have no control over who leaves upset. By being open now, you can say you are doing nothing wrong, and if one of them freaks, you have a good clue into what the relationship would have been like six months down the road.

    Exiled
    Last edited by Exiled_Devil; 05-17-2007 at 10:33 AM. Reason: Adding reasonable commets

  19. #19
    It doesn't matter if they think it is exclusive or not. The simple fact that you yourself are uncomfortable with this, are worried about what each of them will think when they "find out", should be enough to tell you that you have to be honest with them regarless of the consequences. Anytime we find ourselves "hiding" something from someone we care about it is time to change our behavior.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Lexington, KY

    I'll have some ketchup with my Meat Loaf

    Quote Originally Posted by EarlJam View Post
    Jason,

    I will do anything for love. I will do ANYTHING for love. I will do an-y-thing for love.........but I won't do that. No no, no I won't do that.

    -EarlJamloaf
    Holy cow, I think he's gonna make it!

    Cheers,
    Lavabe

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