April 1 - Breaking news...

[thomas]

Freshman Bryan Zoubak will be undergoing orthopedic surgery as soon as this semester ends, according to sources close to the program. "Bryan, his family, the coaching staff, the orthopedic staff here, and a number of fans close to the program whom we have consulted, have collectively decided that Bryan will have an innovative procedure performed which reduces the leg length, bringing him down to an effective height of 6'6", commented one spokesperson. "For years we have increased bone length in children after tumors and other complications. We just watched the operating room tapes backward until we felt that we had the procedure perfected."

One anonymous fan reportedly said: "We are really in need of a "tweener" who hustles and goes after loose balls. This should really help us next year."

A call to the English Dept concerning the irony of this development yielded no response by the time of this press release.

Zoubak is expected to recover for the start of the 2007-2008 season.

[OZZIE4DUKE]

Charge the Iron Dukes more for parking? Make the blue hairs walk from the Chem lot - they'll collapse and die from heart attacks walking on Towerview Dr.!?! Make me take a shuttle bus from the DBAP after paying for parking there? I think this will result in massive drops in donations as many of us give up our season tickets. I predict that Cameron will be half empty next year for all but the biggest games, and it'll be full of carolina fans for that game.

And as far as Coach K dancing with Sylvia Hatchell on national TV, well, that's about as likely as Coach G turning down Texas and Johnny Dawkins accepting the women's coaching position there instead.

Actually, that last bit is the April 1st headline I was expecting. Good stuff Julio and Bos. I'm sure you suckered many a reader this morning!

[ricks68]

Maybe the parking situation and the dancing are both attempts at April fools jokes this year. Maybe the dancing bit was put in there to throw us off from looking more closely at the parking bit. Either way, I have to disagree with Ozzie on this one. The April fools jokes of the past have been much, much better. But Kudos for the attempt.

ricks

[ricks68]

Now, that was good. Very good.

ricks

[throatybeard]

A call to the English Dept concerning the irony of this development yielded no response by the time of this press release.

Try the Classical Studies Dept. They're hell on wheels and so were the Greeks.

[SavannahDevil]

April fools? Please?

I have nightmares over that woman's face screaming "Are you ready?" in that commercial.

[Ugga Bugga]

Freshman Bryan Zoubak will be undergoing orthopedic surgery as soon as this semester ends, according to sources close to the program. "Bryan, his family, the coaching staff, the orthopedic staff here, and a number of fans close to the program whom we have consulted, have collectively decided that Bryan will have an innovative procedure performed which reduces the leg length, bringing him down to an effective height of 6'6", commented one spokesperson. "For years we have increased bone length in children after tumors and other complications. We just watched the operating room tapes backward until we felt that we had the procedure perfected."

. . . Zoubak is expected to recover for the start of the 2007-2008 season.

I actually heard they are trying to make sure he's ready for the start of the2006-2007 season,

[Lord Ash]

Hee hee I forgot what day it was and believed it for a bit

[hurleyfor3]

These April Fool's jokes were kinda lame, although as a guest at the party it's never a good idea to complain about the punch.

I was hoping for something along the line of the Helms Foundation rescinding all its pre-1940 national championships.

[Fish80]

Will the leg reduction be proportionate in the femur and the tibia? It makes the surgery slightly more complex, but reducing just the femur would place the knees at an awkward height. Let's hope that his surgeons take that into consideration. Very few of these surgeries have been successful, but I have every confidence in the Duke Hospital staff.

And is it likely that he'll undergo torso reduction after his sophomore year to get closer to the da Vinci ideal man?

Also, as a side benefit, "Bryan" will still have the wingspan of a 7' freshman. At 6'6", this 7' wingspan will help make him a true definisive stopper, much like Shelden.

[throatybeard]

And is it likely that he'll undergo torso reduction after his sophomore year to get closer to the da Vinci ideal man?

Vitruvian Zoubek. He'd be fantastic in a 2-3 zone. I can see him in position already.

[Fish80]

Is there any truth to the rumor that the Zoubek procedure will be performed on the entire team to make everyone 6'6"? Of course, shorter players like DeMarcus and Paulus will graft some of the bone parts from the taller players to achieve greater heights.

[thomas]

Ok, I admit it was weak ("lame" may be an even "lamer" pun), but at 5 in the am it was the best I could do.

I hope everyone realizes I love Brian Zoubek's attitude and effort , and believe he will make much money playing professionally. In no way was this meant to be a personal slur. He's a great student-athlete with a bright future.

[Jim3k]

But it's a good April Fool joke!. K gets his groove on -- with Hatchell? Good imagination. I enjoyed it. Send it to the Onion for greater circulation.

[Fish80]

Speaking of the onion:
Greg Oden On Final Four Appearance: 'I'm Happier Than I've Been In 30 Years'March 29, 2007 | Onion Sports


http://www.theonion.com/content/from..._on_final_four

[Lavabe]

Perhaps we should add Zoubak to the spelling sticky...

Are they renaming a building on campus after him, and calling it the Bryan Center?

Happy April 1!!

Cheers,
Lavabe

[WiJoe]

Well, you got me with the Coach K dancing. The last time I was reeled in this badly was when you were threatening to close the site in 2001.

[shadycharacter]

Yep, I'm hanging my head over Coaches K and Hatchell. Fell into that one right up to my ears.

[aimo]

I totally fell for the parking announcement, because there is nothing there that I wouldn't put past the Athletic Dept. They're probably now considering how they can charge $20 parking per game. Don't give them any more ideas!