Requesting New Parent Advice

[Jeffrey]

Hi,

We're expecting our first child in early June and we're clueless about parenting. Please give us any & all advice you'd be willing to share.

Thanks,
Jeffrey

[Matches]

Yikes! Well... first of all congrats...

The best advice I can give you is not to go postal and run amok during the first few months. The first six months or so SUCK. The second six months are better but still kinda sucky. After that it improves dramatically. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The biggest thing I was not prepared for was this - people tell you that being a parent consumes every minute of every day. I did not really believe them. That was a mistake. It will absolutely and completely change your life. There is an adjustment period while you get used to that. The adjustment period is difficult but, once you get through it, you will adapt fine.

A few odds and ends:

- If you don't have a Pack n' Play yet, get one.

- If your doctor tells you to feed the baby certain amounts at certain intervals - ignore him and maybe poke him in the eye. Feed on demand. If the baby is hungry, feed him/ her as much as s/he wants. Both the baby and you will be much happier.

- The doctor will tell you not to give the baby real milk until a year, but you don't really need to wait that long. 9-10 months is about enough - try it out and see what happens. Worst that will happen is the baby will puke it back up.

- Get ready for lots of puke. Babies puke all the time, and unlike adults there is no warning. They just spit up and then go right about their business. We had a bib on ours all the time to keep their clothes from getting messed up.

[OldPhiKap]

Congrats!

The first few months are an adjustment, and you won't get much sleep. But it passes.

The way I looked at it, when holding my first child at 3:00 in the morning and feeding her, was that there would be a day when she wasn't there anymore so I should enjoy it while she's that little.

You have to stop and enjoy every stage, because they grow really, really quickly.

There is no job more difficult or more rewarding than being a parent. Pray for patience, and seek enjoyment in even the most mundane of tasks.

Again, sincere congratulations.

[Jeffrey]

Hi,

Thank you very much for the great & much needed advice. It's most appreciated!

Have I mentioned that we're totally clueless? A Pack n' Play is Greek to me.

Best regards,
Jeffrey

[blublood]

Oh, Jeffrey, why did you have to do this? I have work that actually has to get done today and instead I'm going to ramble on and on about parenting since we recently embarked on that adventure ourselves.

O.k., here goes:

1) Your wife will need you desperately after delivery, especially if this is your first. She may not say that she does - in fact she may say that she's elated, ecstatic, feeling terrific, not really in pain, etc. But the fact is that delivering a baby is incredibly hard on the body and as wonderful as it is to bring a child into the world, it's an extremely disorienting experience emotionally and mentally.

Your job is difficult - you not only have to care for a new baby, you also (ideally) need to anticipate what your wife will need and help create a home environment where she can recover and figure out what this being a mom thing is all about.

And I don't say this from the perspective of "women are such tender, fragile flowers", but just speaking from my own experience. Personally, I did WAY too much after a hard delivery (many, many stitches, let's just say) because there was always some demand pressing in on me - the baby needs to be nursed, the baby needs to be changed, the baby's crying, the house is a wreck, we have no groceries, wait, is that a bill that needs to be paid?! etc. and I told everybody I felt just terrific because I wanted to feel terrific.

But really, the whole thing would have been a lot less traumatic if I had let my husband help me and admitted that I needed more of his help in an overwhelming and very hormonal situation.


2) The first few weeks totally do suck, I regret to agree. You will not be sleeping. You will forget to eat and then wonder why you're so cranky. Your wife will cry a LOT. Your baby is little and really not responsive to the mass amounts of effort that you're putting into loving him/her.

BUT! It does get better and less chaotic, usually once the baby settles down into a recognizable sleep pattern. You love your child, you love your family, and everything is going to be o.k. in the end.


3) There are all kinds of books/people out there with dire warnings - don't do [this] even when you bring the baby home from the hospital or you'll never stop/baby will never get adjusted/earth will implode!! My advice - don't believe a word of it. The baby is 20 days old, for God's sake. If he/she isn't malleable at this stage, they never will be.

Specifically, I really wish we had ignored everybody who told us not to sleep with the baby. Newborn babies (and by that I mean up to a month old) are not designed to sleep in cribs - they want to be in your arms because that's the safest, warmest place. Don't run yourself ragged trying to fight this because "once they start sleeping with you, they'll never go into a crib."


4) Yeah, you just thought your in-laws were annoying before...

Congratulations!!

[Jeffrey]

Hi blublood,

Thank you very much for taking the time & energy to share so much great advice with me! I only expected to receive a male perspective at this forum and your perspective is a much appreciated & needed surprise.

Thanks again,
Jeffrey

[Chard]

I could explain what we did with our now one-year-old and how it is the exact opposite of what others have previously written but that would probably throw this thread off track and be most unhelpful to you.

Your child will be unique and will do his/her/their own thing. You are the soon-to-be parent so you will need to figure it out (and you will). We could all give you step by step instructions but what fun would that be?

It will be a life-changing experience. You will now be responsible for another human being that is totally helpless. The time commitment is 24/7, 365. You will never quit worrying about him/her/them. Even in your sleep. You will have to plan around/for him/her/them. You may not get to watch the entire game anymore. You won't be able to sleep in late unless you trade off with your wife/husband. Etc, etc, etc.

You will be the expert on your child(ren). Trust yourself and your intuition. Sometimes the doctors/teachers/mothers/mother-in-laws/babysitters are wrong. They don't/won't know your child like you will.

Start preparing now. Decide which room the baby will get. Register for baby stuff. Your relatives and friends will buy lots of stuff for you.

Find a good pediatrician. Ask around and go visit with them. You need to be comfortable with the pediatrician. Get that out of the way now.

Your child should become a part of your life and not the other way around.

Make sure your wife gets some rest once you get home. She will be exhausted mentally and physically.

Take lots of pictures but don't use the flash so much.

Get used to poop.

Go to the baby showers with your wife. You'll find out what you are getting and in some cases how to use it.

Suggest to your wife that she join an expectant mother group. My wife joined one online and they are still chatting away and trading stories.

I could go on and on and so could some of the others. Just remember that you're human and you will survive. This will be the most rewarding experience of your life and it will be fun. Just not all the time.

[OldPhiKap]

Two words:



Diaper Genie.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diaper_Genie

[Lid]

Well, congratulations! I'm usually a lurker, but can also offer a female perspective since you didn't think you'd get one.

I'd echo a lot of what has already been said. Mainly, though, trust your instincts. If, however, you have no instinct in a particular situation, don't beat yourself up about it! You won't always know what to do -- should the baby eat now, sleep now, WHY WON'T S/HE STOP CRYING??? -- but that's okay. The only thing that experience gives you, really, is the understanding that nothing is predictable about parenting.

Every baby is different. My two children are night and day. If I'd had my second one first, I would have been a wreck because he was a horrible sleeper and I'd have thought it was all my fault. However, my first did fine (when I REALLY didn't know what I was doing), so instead, I blame the kid for not knowing how to sleep.

Also on the "every baby is different" line: There will be a lot of good advice given to you regarding what other people found to be helpful with their babies. Don't dismiss any of it, but don't expect it all to be applicable, either.

If you can swing it, once your child is on a semi-regular sleep schedule, go for an early bedtime for the child. This gives you regular couple-time, which you NEED and many people don't seem to get. Our children are still in bed well before 8, and this helps my marriage immensely without requiring expensive babysitting.

Your baby will (likely) not break. Don't freak out about little things if you can help it -- being way overprotective doesn't lead to well-adjusted children. On the same line, as the spouse of a pediatrician, I will also tell you that any "silly" question you could ask has already been asked (usually at 3:00am). Don't be embarrassed to call the ped if you are worried. First-time parents do that, and it's fine. (My husband once saw a child with what was described as strange growths on his back -- they were shoulder blades. We ALL make calls like that.)

More about the sleep thing: there was a time when my only saving thought was that at age 18, my son would probably go off to college, and I would then get to sleep through the night again. That actually got me through a few weeks -- that's how desperate it can seem, and how much you can cling to hope. Happily, that was more than a year ago, and I can't remember the last time one of my kids woke me up. (Jinx alert!)

The days can go slooooowly, and the years fly. Don't feel guilty if you can't savor every day, because sometimes it's just really freaking hard. Put aside everything non-essential. Hire a housecleaner, if you can. Get take-out if you can. Spend your time doing what's important, not what you "think" you should be doing.

Enjoy the ride! You're a very lucky man to be able to become a parent.

[TillyGalore]

I can't believe all you Duke parents missed THE MOST IMPORTANT THING Jeffrey needs to do with/to his baby.

Buy loads of Duke stuff. Duke onesies, bottles, passies (sp?), t-shirts, shorts, etc. Start, today not the day he/she is born TODAY, telling him/her how great Duke is on the field and in school. Here is the link to the Duke bookstore to buy the above or add to your gift list: http://www.dukestore.com/


Congratulations!!! I hope your baby brings you and your wife tons of happiness and joy.

Note: Most of this was written tongue in cheek as I am not a parent, nor plan to be one. But did want to remind Jeffrey he needs to stock up on Duke stuff for his baby.

[Indoor66]

Lid's post makes a great deal of sense. My first child had problems. Surgery before 3 months, ear problems, etc. Many a night I walked the hall with him on my shoulder because the motion eased his pained ears. Ultimately, they invented tubes and he had them installed - and could sleep through the night. My second never had the problem. Each child is different.

Savor all the hard moments as well as the easy. Each is part of the bond. Watching a mind grow is the most incredible journey there is in life. They grow so fast - both in mind and body. Enjoy every day because they will leave so much too soon. And after they leave you discover that they are always with you, every moment, only in a different way. And as time passes, you will come to rely on them more and more for what they know and you don't.

It is a wonderful journey you now begin. Trust yourselves and love your child.

[-jk]

I'll repost this one:

jk's (reasonably short) "Must-Have list of Baby Stuff":

1) The bouncy seat with the vibrating motor. It really calmed both of my kids down, and let the younger sleep while congested. Which was pretty much every other week from November to March of his first year thanks to his big sister's preschool germ factory. Pediatricians don't like to medicate infants much at all.

2) A Baby Bjorn. Wearing a baby frees up both hands.

3) A white noise generator. We have creaky floors, and they'd wake all too often otherwise. I like the one at http://www.marpac.com/soundscreen.asp - it's tunable, natural white noise, not Smarter Image electronic white noise which irritates me. But I guess I'm a snob that way.

4) Linda Ronstadt's "Dedicated to the One I Love" lullaby cd, a gift from Duke uber-fan Doug Hinds. It includes a fresh interpretation of Queen's "We Will Rock You". And any Enya music. At 7 and 4, they still go to sleep to them.

Those four we never, ever traveled without. This fifth one was for my wife:

5) A special monitor that has a pad under the crib mattress to detect motion, including breathing. It alarms if there isn't motion for 30 seconds. SWMBO worried about SIDS and is a very light sleeper under the best of circumstances. Irrational? Perhaps, but this kept her from going to look in on them every couple hours or waking up whenever she heard an odd noise. You'll learn: babies make a lot of odd noises. Whoever coined the phrase "sleeps like a baby" didn't have "quiet" in mind. "Limp" or "angelic", perhaps, but not "quiet".

6) A crib sheet that is vinyl on the bottom and fabric on top, so that, um, "stuff" doesn't get onto or into the mattress. When they got that sick (and ours did - rarely, but they did), it's really easy to change, especially at 3 am - we'd just fold it up with all the spooge inside, put on a fresh one, and go back to sleep with fingers crossed.

Everything else is mostly fluff. We never used any hi-zoot bottles, just the basic Gerber Nuk stuff. My first was a pacifier kid (she slept with at least three - one in each hand and one in her mouth. She'd slowly lose them overnight; it helped to have spares. The younger is a stuffed animal kid. "Puppy" was one of his first words, though we've long since called his favorite one "Stinky Puppy". With cause. (Note: get machine washable stuffed animals!)

Don't know if the list will help you (or anyone else), but I thought I'd toss it out there.

-jk

[Jeffrey]

Hi,

WOW... I never expected to receive this much great advice and certainly not this quickly. Thanks to each and every one of you for taking the time & energy to assist us in our time of need. I'm reading & re-reading each and every post.

Thanks again,
Jeffrey

[TheRose77]

Jeffrey, you will be amazed at the amount of laundry you will be doing. Why, you ask, since baby clothes are so small? Well, it's because of all the spit up, poo, formula, rice cereal, etc. etc. that ends up on your clothes. Always have a cloth diaper or small towel handy to wipe up the messes. There will be plenty. And have a good stain remover on hand. Spit-up formula, especially, is hard to remove. Get used to it. Grass and dirt stains from soccer and baseball fields is next. Did I mention that according to the rules of parenting, you are now in charge of the laundry? I didn't find that out until recently, and our boys are now 24 and 21.

[blublood]

2) A Baby Bjorn. Wearing a baby frees up both hands.

Lord, YES! The Snugli saved my sanity, I am absolutely not kidding. Just to be able to do normal things like a normal adult is so precious, especially in those first couple of months.

As a bonus, our little boy loved the Snugli so much that he would frequently fall asleep in it when nothing else would work.

[billybreen]

This thread scares the living daylights out of me.

[lmb]

What worked for me was not to attempt to block out noise and have a quiet house when a baby is napping. It's good for a baby to be able to fall asleep with the normal noises of an active home. This is especially true if you're planning to have more than one child because it's impossible to keep an older sibling quiet when the younger one is sleeping.

Also, we took our children everywhere, including tent camping at the age of 9months. Babies are pretty adaptable if you work them into your life. Granted, some things will need to change, but I can't say that I felt any kind of seismic shift in our lives.

"You know your own child" and "enjoy every stage" are some of the best pieces of advice already offered here. Congratulations and best wishes for a healthy baby!

[Bostondevil]

More advice from a mother of 4 sons.

Sleep, you won't get enough, true but here are some ways to battle that. When baby is new, up to 2 months, they eat and sleep then eat and sleep. They don't really do much else for awhile. The trick is to try and get them to do their longer sleep periods at night. So, during the day, wake them up after 2 hours. Do it. Even if you feel you'd like a few more minutes, get them up and feed them, even if baby would rather keep sleeping during the day. Then at night, let them sleep as long as they want to. They will often give you a 4 hour break even when they are brand new. The key is to try and get that break at night.

Your wife should sleep when the baby sleeps. You'll hear this advice a lot. Try to get your wife to follow it. Laundry, bills, cooking, all of that can wait. Sleep when the baby sleeps. (You can help with the laundry, bills, cooking, getting the take-out.)

Don't both of you get up for every nighttime feeding. I know lots of couples do this and perhaps you won't be able to help waking up but, if you can work out an amicable solution, take turns. If your wife is on 3am duty then you take 6am duty. If she's nursing, of course, she'll have to feed the baby but you take over the duties after the feeding and let her go back to sleep.

One huge piece of advice, when/if your wife's water breaks? Whatever you do, do not go out for a 2 hour run because you need to get exercise to relieve the stress. I'm serious. Yes, this happened to me, with the first one, and I still had 3 more. Luckily, when my water broke my labor slowed way down so I wasn't giving birth in the bathtub by myself but you cannot take that risk. (Don't worry, I already know I'm crazy.)

As far as baby sleeping in the bed with us. I liked to start out with baby in a bassinet in the room with us but they all usually wound up between us at some point during the night. We had 4 kids so buying the bassinet was a good purchase but the babies usually outgrow it quickly, so, if possible, borrow one.

Swings, you need one. Go ahead and get a new one of these (Great Baby Gift!) because the technology keeps changing and getting better. I visited a friend's three month old yesterday and they had the greatest swing. I was jealous, not enough to have another baby, but I did covet that swing. It was the only new piece of equipment they bought. (They have my crib and my bassinet, so when I say I'm done, I mean it.)

Cheaper strollers are well, cheaper, but they tend to break. If I'd known at the beginning how much use they would actually get and how often they tended to wear out, well, I might have sprung for a top of the line model. If you're only planning for one or two kids, a less expensive stroller might do, but to be honest, I don't actually know if those fancy pants strollers actually do last longer.

Test drive your stroller. It will get a lot of use. Pick one with all the features you think you might need. Cup holders and a storage basket are great!

[dukepsy1963]

Congratulations!! While this thread is terrifying, I envy you. I never was blessed with any children. But as a psychologist, let me tell you to listen to what "child psychologists" "say" with a grain of salt. Most of the ones I worked with didn't have kids!!!! And the ones that did, had just as many joys and pains/problems as anyone else.

You both will do fine! I know you will. Congrats again!!!

[Bostondevil]

Oh, one other thing on getting baby back to sleep at night. Change the diapers before you feed them. The books will tell you not to because a typical baby will eat then poop but, sometimes they won't. If you've already changed them, you don't have to disturb them before you put them back down. In my experience, newborns can get fairly bothered by having their parts wiped down. The worst that can happen is you're doing two diaper changes but really, when all they are getting is breast milk, diaper changes just aren't that bad, well, except for the occasional explosion but those usually happen during the day. (It's when they start eating solid foods that it gets more yucky.)